Selfish, yea, maybe.

damn it was good to see you yesterday. You looked so much better than Friday when I was forced to walk away (a time I wasn't proud of, any more than walking away yesterday). Today, I'm sitting at the bobbins school, reading a book, and wishing you were sitting beside me. I'm going over some of the discussions yesterday, and feeling like i put you on a spot, and I'm sorry - it wasn't intended. A part of me wants both of you in my life, and isn't willing to bend (the selfish part), and the other wants you, but is willing to see you with someone else so long as your happy. I want to feel you against me, but I want to keep you at arms length. I want YOU, but I'm scared of that want and what it means at the same time. I miss your shadow-smile, and the rare full smiles. I miss your voice, your jokes, your gloom, even just your breathing. I miss that big dire-wolf stalking behind me, watchful, protective, and jealous of every passing glance. There's this hollow pang in my heart right now, that's been there for a few days now; regardless of what I do to forget it. I know the pang, I've felt it before. It's grief, however temporary or permanent,  it's there none the less; eating away at my thoughts, my actions. My finger tips tingle from time to time, reminding me of head and chin scritches and soft touches when you needed support.

I agreed to keep my spirits up, to plow forward, and I'm trying. But in the quiet moments, when I'm alone, when there's no reason for the masks, the tears fall as I fall apart. I let them flow for a bit, releasing some of the numbing pain, and then I breath and take hold of myself again and replace the mask. My moment of sorrow done, and shelved for another time. The balm to the pain, your gaze; a double-edged blade to my soul.

K loves him, but doesn't want him drunk.

I love him, want him sober, but will accept him as he is. I just want him happy, deliriously happy would make me happy…

Did I 'win out over A'? Now that he's sober, how will things go between us. I'm thoroughly addicted, but is he? Hearing from him, even briefly, lifts my mood. Yesterday he claimed to feel energized once I got there... he wanted me closer. hell, had not K been there, I'd have climbed into the bed to lay with him...

Am I ready to forsake the 20+ year oath, not quite. But largely because when I commit to him I want him to know it'll be to the end of his days (or mine).

I've already committed what i can of myself now, I'd give him more if it wouldn't raise suspicion in the future, and that's not how I'd want things to exist. My chest aches to think of who I've been in the past, and for the first time feel real guilt. I really understand what my actions have cost me. I shut down on Josh because of that guilt, but never felt this shame – and now, when I've found the force I want to join with, I see how my past could call that pure union into question.

I must stay true to the oath I've made, to be worthy of the man I would make my final destination.