So yesterday I was a mess, today I'm nearly a stone. I felt joy when you called, every time, but annoyance or neutrality for everything else. You sounded better this morning, and waves of relief flooded me; and then you found more to drink and I wanted to roll up a newspaper and smack you with it. I know im your Jiminy, but surely you know when getting another drink is a bad idea!! You talk to me about being scared to die (or at least, resigned to) and you go out and buy more and more of the very thing that will kill you!! Gods damn it, man, enough already! Stay with me! I've told you, for every Year you stick around I'll make equal effort. So start making an effort!!! You tell me you realize now what you've lost (this family, that welcomed you in, in spite of your flaws) yet you continue to do the very thing destroying that family. So stop, my love, take a breath, and recenter yourself. Get your head on straight, and be the man I see when I look at you. I cherish you, ene Otsoa, like an addiction. Know, too, when I say Ene Otsoa I mean My Love, my heart, my existence.
my kids think I dont put them first
If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left. I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today. I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E. But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart. My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have......
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