today has been a rough one, Ene Otsoa. I retrieved the truck, the now irksome truck full of woah. And came home to nightmares realized. The girls for some reason told E they don't feel comfortable around you, and he's banished you from the house, making his days at work that much more crucial to my sanity. I'm not looking forward to the day you admit yourself to inpatient rehab. The weeks to months to follow will rip me apart by the hour. Necessary, likely, for your health and your goals, but all the same; and for those reasons, for YOUR happiness, I will support it, and you. Yes, I'm selfish, I want you to myself, but I NEED you to be able to reach your goals too. And I can recognize the difference and importance of my wants versus your needs; in this at least.
I dream for the day that old bonds are severed and new bonds may be strengthened. I've thought about your question, about whatif is, and I hit on an answer that I hate, as it does nothing to soothe my desires. If, one day, we answered to lists call, I'd decline in tears. I can't violate the old bonds in that fashion again. Once broken, they never reformed right, and I won't risk them like that again. Meaning, there - too - is a level of comfort for you in the WHATIF ahead. WHATIF in another life, we got together could I do it again, to you; no, I don't think so. I've spent the last months (year?) under so much conflict because I cannot walk away front at which I feel for you, and that which I feel for Josh - that I think post this life - I likely will not find another. I've loved enough to remember, now, the heartbreak that comes with it. I've loved deep and true, shallow and fickle, too scared to commit and to desperate not to; and save for those already in my soul, there is no more space to give another room.
You are the deepest love, and the last.
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