well fuck, yesterday didn't go well, did it. I hit 100mph flying back to pick you up, had to force my foot off the gas to slow down, cause getting the car smashed wouldn't help you. But that was yesterday. Today you're in Victorville waiting for your grandma to wake up so she can take you in. Miles away. And already I'm practicing the ‘step back’ exercises I was taught by someone else, to step away from emotions I don't or can't deal with. Fuck you for leaving so easily! You knew how I felt, and all I got was a glorious hug that I wish didn't end, so yea, fuck you.. you better keep your word to me. I don't want these to be my last thoughts cause they're too full of grief and pain. Get better, Ene Otsoa.. I need you. I can't lose you. I realized one simple fact while talking to a distant friend.. if I lose you, I'll lose myself. It'll be that last break, the last straw that shatters the last of me. So fuck you, don't fuck up, and come back. Swear it to me, even as you fight to keep promises to Alexis, that you'll keep them to me. I do hope, one day that A gets her head out of her ass, for you, too. But I'm not gonna lie, she doesn't deserve you anymore.
Selfish, yea, maybe.
E's sleep schedule is all out of wack.. so I just 'put him to bed'.. did it to help him sleep, and to alleviate some pent-up energy in me, cause something/someone got my engine running hard... and as I walked away, I felt like shit, cause I can't tell who I'm cheating on anymore... I can't have who I want, not sure I want who I have...and the only thing holding me from falling apart are vows to stay... So I sat at my desk and broke into tears. I shoved it all down after a moment by reminding myself that what I want isn't as important as keeping others happy. It has always been that way, and it didn't change overnight just cause someone said so... O, did you really mean what you said yesterday? I know how much you abhor the idea of another wife..how much you aren't excited about another committment. I don't want you to ignore your wants just to appease mine. I am all in, if you are; but I can accept less if you don't. O, your an overthinker li...
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