another day, another lonely tear when there's no one to witness. I've grown wolf-sick at this point. I'm trying to push through, to keep going, as i promised, but it hurts in the moments of silence. Now I have more reasons to avoid my alone time, because it allows me to think of you, even as I used to think of the Dragon in those moments to myself, now I think of you and regret where we are. E is trying to patch fences, to make things right between us, and I've not been resisting; but he's not who I want to talk to at the end of the day. His is not the voice that caresses the turmoil away with a light joke.
my kids think I dont put them first
If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left. I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today. I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E. But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart. My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have......
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