another day, another lonely tear when there's no one to witness. I've grown wolf-sick at this point. I'm trying to push through, to keep going, as i promised, but it hurts in the moments of silence. Now I have more reasons to avoid my alone time, because it allows me to think of you, even as I used to think of the Dragon in those moments to myself, now I think of you and regret where we are. E is trying to patch fences, to make things right between us, and I've not been resisting; but he's not who I want to talk to at the end of the day. His is not the voice that caresses the turmoil away with a light joke.
Selfish, yea, maybe.
E's sleep schedule is all out of wack.. so I just 'put him to bed'.. did it to help him sleep, and to alleviate some pent-up energy in me, cause something/someone got my engine running hard... and as I walked away, I felt like shit, cause I can't tell who I'm cheating on anymore... I can't have who I want, not sure I want who I have...and the only thing holding me from falling apart are vows to stay... So I sat at my desk and broke into tears. I shoved it all down after a moment by reminding myself that what I want isn't as important as keeping others happy. It has always been that way, and it didn't change overnight just cause someone said so... O, did you really mean what you said yesterday? I know how much you abhor the idea of another wife..how much you aren't excited about another committment. I don't want you to ignore your wants just to appease mine. I am all in, if you are; but I can accept less if you don't. O, your an overthinker li...
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