Selfish, yea, maybe.

Ene Otsoa, last night you tangled with the police again. Today, you're worried that I'm upset. I'm not, I'm scared. I fell for you, completely, and I'll take every ounce of what's presented to me. I'll work past the parts I wish didn't exist, because I see the greater man hidden behind the alcoholic that doesn't want to deal with being the responsible adult. I love all of you, the good and the bad, the healthy and the broken bits. I know you're not perfect, and I could care less about the imperfections. Fuck some of those imperfections are what helps me love you. Hair twirling, as an example, the octaves your voice drops when you assure me that you love me. The deep rumble that enters your voice when your trying to convince me that you're sorry for some action. The high pitch laugh when you're trying not to fall apart when things go astray. The maniac laugh when you're fighting to keep control of your emotions. The sweep of your hair when it falls into your face.

I wish I could curl up beside you just once, like I'd hoped to do in Vegas or at Dee's, to see how it felt to wake beside you, to roll over into your arms. To see you watch as the morning stress cascades through my mind before I can control it and push it into lists like it did today. I rolled over to find Josh beside me and he watched helpless as everything cascaded in on me, and I hide the bit that hurt the worst; silver bracelets about the wrists of my Wolf, again. He tried to distract me, but i only wanted one to be there, and he wasn't it. I wanted to bury my face in your chest, to breath you in and know you were safe. But what i wanted, was denied. And then, when I finally get you on the phone, you decide you don't want to come visit, so I'm denied even that. I've learned not to ask too much of you, when you've decided not to do something, but this one hurt.

I want you! I want you to stop drinking, get your life in order, and prove to everyone that you ARE the man I see. I want you to be vindicated, so that when the time comes no one will question my choices, because right now that's all I hear. Why do I, how can I? And I can only answer with ‘He's different in my eyes. In my eyes he is this man he says he is, this man you see is a shadow.’

I miss you, ene imzadi otsoa, with every breath..

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8LLH4KX/