Selfish, yea, maybe.

since i know you haven't been able to read these lately, I can make this entry. WHY THE FUCK IS K ASKING ME TO OFFICIATE A WEDDING BETWEEN YOU TWO?!?! I don't even know how I feel about that question. She says it's for legal purposes, but also because you've expressed a desire to marry her. Where the fuck were those talks between us?!? You, who told me you'd never marry again?!? WTF!!!??!!! But I cant be angry, because I'm married. Even though I've made it clear that you're my final stop. I can't be jealous, but its eating me alive. Both you and Alexis are fighting to recover your daughter, which I love seeing. But if either of you succeed, than I don't even have that to hold on to. If I have J then I have a tie to my Wolf, but I know that's unfair.

Just yesterday you were telling me how you found this house, and it had everything I've been talking about wanting in a home, and that's why you loved it - but then I hear today that you spoke, at some length, about marrying K. I want to throw old bonds away, but it would destroy my family right now; and i can't take that challenge. I must protect my bobbins, so I strive to improve things with E, for them. But I don't WANT him. I did not joke when I told you I wake up with your ring on my hand each morning. I go to sleep, I leave on the bracer, the bracelets, the necklace, and each morning I find myself clutching to the chain with your ring, and the ring on my hand. When I get lonely, you're who I want to hear from. I want you sober, but I'll take the erratic drunk you, too. It's a part of who you are, after all. But please, don't ask me to officiate a marriage between you and K, I can't say no to you; but it will kill me.

I called tonight after the initial inspection went through, and you answered the phone, but you weren't paying attention to it. I spent 30+ minutes listening to you talk to K, calling her ‘babe’ and asking her to buy you a half pint instead of a shot. That last, at least, I do not miss. You ask me to release your chains, and then demand that I return your soul; i never should have told you that I had it. I don't want it, but you bargain it away like it's worthless, when it is indepensible! That aside, the demand has me wanting to fall at your feet and make you see the wound you've inflicted on me.

I'm so caught up in what I feel for you, that I'm feeling nausea thinking of everything revealed to me today. I thought i'd made myself clear, and I know you don't want to wait around. But I didn't think you'd jump to the next available quite so easily. You, who claim not to be polyamorous, yet speak of love to another while telling me the same. I can't hate on it, but never having felt such jealousy before, I'm realizing it's not a feeling I really want to experience. I've declared before, you are my Wolf; and now I understand how unrelenting that possessive feeling is. I don't want to share you, not just with A, but with K either…

i don't know where to go from here. I'm heartbroken, but I'm not allowed to be. I still don't understand where we're at. K has my head and heart all screwed up, and I know when I lay eyes on you all of those doubts will evaporate for a time. You have that effect on me. When you're around, i can't think straight because every thought is of you; or maybe it always is, just less so when I've been away from you for a time.

Alone with my thoughts once again, and they’re chasing themselves in circles. I want/wanted you in our lives, but my bobbins have made it plain to me that they don’t want to be around you when you’re drinking. I’m scared to learn of your feelings toward me without drink to color your vision. You’re looking at a house that could be my escape - but all I want to do is drive to Parhump and stay there or Oregon and live by a lake with no home. I’d rather that, than learn that everything I’ve felt and everything you’ve uttered was pointless or meaningless. I’m not allowed to be heartbroken, yet here I am.