Selfish, yea, maybe.

so you didn't come for the granted visit yesterday, which I managed to hide most of my disappointment but it burned in my heart. K filling my head with concerns about this R person that's entered your life, and I'm reminding myself that as long as your happy while you can't have me i have to accept your choices, because i can't and won't ask you to wait for me, pinning away the days, weeks, or years. I love the idea, but it is not fair to ask it of you, so I don't. All I want is to know with a reasonable amount of assurance is that when I'm ready, you will be, too. Even if it means I may have to wait around bit. I was not kidding when I told you that you are my final destination. What i feel for you, fills every last crevice of my heart, every empty void, every nook. I have my kids, your kids (yea, I haven't met them, but on some level love the two I haven't met because they're part of you), I've had my one-off marriage, and those who slid into my heart before, seeking shelter from life-storms; and then there is you. But I won't have you dependent on alcohol. I can't handle the drunk side of you, my sweet, he's too much for me. I've tried; the drunk you has nearly killed me emotionally. The drunk you has used and abused me and my family, and I have to protect them.  I love you, and I know the sober you will understand, but I have to protect them. I want you, my Wolf, but I need you sober. I won't turn my back on you, I can't. But I also can't allow myself to fall any further.  You have consumed every shard of my heart, my Wolf, and I will stand fast. But I need a sober Wolf to enter my life. You are mine, now and always, as I am yours, heart and soul. As I will it, so shall it be.