I just need to say...

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I just finished cleaning out the RV. I wish I'd had a clearer image...I'm sorry to have failed you so early. Yes, I know, it wasn't my job, but I didn't answer the cries for help like I should have. I placed the responsibility on my own shoulders when I asked for you to stay. I took on that responsibility when you started calling me mom, and my kids siblings; and I failed you, and now have come face to face with that reality. I still love you, Otsoa, even in that reality; and i still want to bring you home. Your drinking isn't safe for anyone, but I feel safe near you, especially sober. I can't compete with my bobbins over your affection. You chose my middle as your favoritiest, and tried to imprint on my youngest - and their opinions matter more to you than mine. I'll be honest, it hurts - a lot - and while it might make a little sense since I am already married, before they expressed disapproval, you were willing and interested.  Now, with the shadow of th...

and there it is. The point i have been dreading for a year or so. Your favoriliest person isn't me, and her disapproval has broken us. Laying beside you to cuddle has been some of the best few moments for me, and now it's over. Back to fighting the urge to be nearer to you, even just to be nearer. I knew I shouldn't, but R's encouragement was intoxicating, and your flirting. I had to try to taste what I couldn't allow myself to taste while you were on the Ranch, because I knew - I KNEW - if the bobbins found out it would end. And that taste of what I'll never get, was so fulfilling. The arms wrapped protectively around my shoulders as we just laid there talking (talking about what else we wanted to do) now has me sleeping with weighted stuffed animals draped across my ribs in a feeble attempt to keep that memory clear. But you have R, and for the most part I see you happy with her. I can accept that, crushingly. But, my love, I still want to end my days by your ...

so yesterday I got very little sleep, I was in my head too much. Not too sure I'm not still in my head (it's a very dark place, when i don't have other voices to keep the light on) but I slept last night. Today I'm worried that maybe I'm just fucking everything up for everyone. I'm the leash that stole J from O, and that knowledge has been eating at me. I was acting to protect J, as I was asked to; but when I leaked the information I didn't expect it to blow up so very much. I though it would only push O to get more aggressive help! I didn't mean for it to become such a mess!! I know he's okay because J is safe, but this shouldn't have gotten to this point!! I want to curse the stars for letting it get this bad… Now I stay in a marriage I'm not sure if want to be in anymore, to keep J safe and secure.  I'm scared that if CPS find out that I'm romantically inclined to O they'll take her away from me, too; and i can't risk that....

I'm scared I'm losing you.  I know I never truly had you, but you had me, have me; and after yesterday, I'm scared that's fading. I want to yank you back into the embrace we never shared, to wake up next to you like i never did.  Even writing this I'm trembling, it hurts. I haven't really slept in 24 hours, because I'm afraid of the dreams to come, because I'm scared the nightmares may well be back, in force. But here I am sitting in a house alone, stuggling to keep it together for the sake of others. This is me, maybe overthinking, maybe not.