Selfish, yea, maybe.

I just finished cleaning out the RV. I wish I'd had a clearer image...I'm sorry to have failed you so early. Yes, I know, it wasn't my job, but I didn't answer the cries for help like I should have. I placed the responsibility on my own shoulders when I asked for you to stay. I took on that responsibility when you started calling me mom, and my kids siblings; and I failed you, and now have come face to face with that reality. I still love you, Otsoa, even in that reality; and i still want to bring you home. Your drinking isn't safe for anyone, but I feel safe near you, especially sober.

I can't compete with my bobbins over your affection. You chose my middle as your favoritiest, and tried to imprint on my youngest - and their opinions matter more to you than mine. I'll be honest, it hurts - a lot - and while it might make a little sense since I am already married, before they expressed disapproval, you were willing and interested.  Now, with the shadow of their disapproval, you're correcting your words when talking to me. The one small measure of intimacy I would allow in public because I could not allow more; and now that's gone.

I guess I should be grateful that you aren't turning away completely. But as much as my middle is your favoritism, you have become mine.

I cleaned out the RV today, and cycled through emotions ranging from indifference to anger, to sorrow and guilt; and all of that colored by love. You are not perfect, ene otsoa, I do not put you on a pedestal anymore than I am perfect.

I heard you talking to K Today, ahe had me on the line, I was impressed that you were trying to defuse the situation. I was hurt when I heard R insist I must have called CPS on K, and then didn't hear you defend me. Well enough, I'm no angel - one call could lead to another, I suppose. But I'll remind you, I only told your SAC, SHE called CPS. That's not to say I'm blameless, but consider it the next time my honor is trashed. I'll stop here, lest I start rambling but I'll say again no one is perfect; we ALL make mistakes. No one is an angel, we ALL have our demons.