I can't win for losing!! I answer your needs over the girls, I get shit from the girls. I answer the girls' needs over yours, I get accused of not being in your corner. And people ask me what I'd do if I could go back in time and fix one mistake. Right now, it would be marrying Josh. I'd been old and bitter by the time I met you, but with your history maybe that'd be fine. I want, one day, to hear you refer to them as stepchildren, not siblings… I want to lay down to sleep next to you, wake up next to you, go through LIFE with you! I don't want either of our last days to be filled with regret (whenever they come) but mine already are. I regret not meeting you sooner.
my kids think I dont put them first
If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left. I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today. I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E. But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart. My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have......
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