Selfish, yea, maybe.

So, last night, after we had a somewhat serious talk, I put to voice something I've been thinking about heavily. Thinking about so heavily i have them written out and linked in this journal for future reference.. But last night, I gave it voice, and confessed it to my brother. 

When my vows break or dissolve here, I'm leaving state. I won't break them,  but one way or another they will end one day, and when they do I'm selling anything i have left here and leaving. My last anchor here is this marriage, and I don't know where I'll go but it will be out of CA. Maybe I'll go to SC to be closer to C, maybe OR to follow that old dream. But wherever I go, you'll be invited. I want to spend the rest of tomorrow's with you IN my life, not just on a shared path. But to get to that point, right now, I have to tread ‘the shared path’.

I heard you last night when you asked me into your life, and I want desperately to agree; but I'm a person of my word, and I promised him his forever. As much as I promised you yours. I just hope his forever isn't my forever, cause I want my forever to be in your orbit. You are my moon, my Wolf, you have become the reason I smile each day, the reason I get out of bed and face each sunrise.

-many hours later, after trying to lay down for sleep-

It tears me up every time you point out that I swore to stay by your side. Every time you rail at me for my decisions. Believe me, I'd rather hear it than have you bottle it up, but it kills me to think you think (in those moments) so little of me. I may not have followed you off the ranch, but my love, I never abandoned you. You needed a push to get your head on straight, and my gentle pushing didn't seem to be helping. So, I pushed harder. I mean, look at you now, getting a job, getting healthy again, pushing yourself to do right by your daughter. You'd fallen so far into depression that all my efforts only seemed to weigh you down. You sabotaged your friendships here, drank your security away in Vegas, and nearly drowned in my pool. Let's be honest, it wasn't the environment you needed to get back on your feet. But I never abandoned you, I've been rooting for you to anyone who will listen.

Watching you stand makes me so fucking proud of you, and damn if it doesn't get me a little turned on. People ask about you, and I'm quick to tell them all the good that's been happening for you, and my eyes -I'm sure- positively twinkle with love. You keep telling me how much you want me to be happy - Wolf, my Wolf, my Otsoa, YOU make me happy! I hit deep lows when I'm expecting to see you and don't. I explain them away as anything else, but I know the truth. I find that dark rabbit hole when you're not around, when I don't hear from you, when our plans are cancelled; when I'm without you! I mask a lot when I'm around anyone but you, but my kids have learned to see through the mask. They know when I'm hurting, cause you're not around.

I may have left you physically, but my heart is more yours now than it was before. I stay here because of a vow, but to me it feels like I'm cheating on you. You were the first to say you were my second husband, but today, my Otsoa, today you are first in my heart.