Yesterday you asked me what I thought you should do. When I told you, again, to stop drinking you told me you didn't want to. I get it, is been an escape for you, for decades, to avoid dealing with things you don't want to, to avoid the memories that eat at you; but I also heard that you, my love, are finally at a point when you might be able to defeat that monster. You understood that I couldn't talk to you about the risk you put your child in (even though you'd never have done it sober), because you were so far gone in the sauce. You asked me what I wanted you to do; humble yourself a touch, stop drinking, and continue to own up to your mistakes. I've been seeing you do it for weeks now, and every step you take makes me proud to know you. I don't expect you to change the core you- is the man I love- but showing that you're learning; my Otsoa, that's fucking hot as hell..
my kids think I dont put them first
If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left. I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today. I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E. But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart. My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have......
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