HOW the fuck do I make this work?!? I want YOU, but I can’t have you without breaking vows that were already made… Neither of us approve of the ‘cheating’ scene; but we’re both head over kester for the other… I can’t break vows without ruining some measure of what trust you still have in me. I won’t ‘cheat’ as that will ruin what trust remains. But both of us feel what we feel, fight it as I have. I didn’t want to fall for you, I was content in my place, accepting of my chosen lot; and then you, with your battle-scars and broken spirit, entered into my orbit. You with all the physic I’ve always been drawn to, the physic that always caught my eye when I was out and about living my life. Tall, less lanky than I’d normally go for (David Tenant, Benedict Cumberbatch), but built sturdy. With a body like yours, it’s no wonder others have been attracted to you. I could feel jealousy towards every woman that looked at you sideway; could, and do. I want to be able to ‘show you off like a side of meat’ because I would be so very proud of having you at my side. Not because you’re a handsome guy, but because you have a golden heart.
my kids think I dont put them first
If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left. I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today. I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E. But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart. My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have......
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