Selfish, yea, maybe.

Of course... Of course the only bit of me that's cheating is my heart. And legally it's cheating on E with O; but emotionally it is becoming more cheating on O with E. There is nothing between O and I that is binding.

I really need to practice exposing my innermost sheltered thoughts and emotions. I promised O last night that if I was going to continue to be there for him, than I had to let him be here for me. That means I have to stop dismissing what I'm feeling because it isn't in line with what others feel; I need to stop censuring myself, stop hiding myself. Stop feeding everything to HellKatt as I've done since I was in my early 20s when she was created. 

Perhaps, after 20+ years, HellKatt no longer serves, and I can finally, truly merge her back into my subconcious...To be seen.

The big problem with that is half of the time, I don't know what I'm feeling. When my mood goes down the rabbit hole I don't know why most of the time. When I feel the shadow of 'ick' that rolls over me, there's seldom a reason I can understand.

This girl, is me...

98% of the time, I don't want to talk about how much I hate my body because others like it so much. Others like to hug it, touch it, be intimate with it, and admire it. I just want a different one. One that doesn't remind me of what I've been through. Molestation, loss, loneliness, child birth (I never wanted children!!). Truth be truth, I love my kids, but I struggle with resenting their existance. I adore my brats, but I never wanted to be saddled with this responsibilty.

A small voice in my head is now starting to ask if my children didn't get their possible autism from me, as I'm starting to see a few checkboxes tick off under recognized behaviors. Or maybe it is just more of me trying to blame something else for things I see wrong with me.

And E does it again. It's been months since I was just a 'body to grope' as I've talked to him about it before. But he's at it again. He woke up, dressed in his robe, walked out for his morning smoke, walked over to me and groped me, once over my clothes, and once reaching in under the clothes. I sat there and stared at him, but he didn't stop. Thanks for making me feel even more like just a piece of meat; I realize he doesn't think of it like that, but it's always how I feel.

Food for thought.