A Messy Day

So the day went about as I expected, though quite a bit windier. Transported J to and from the bus, sat around most of the rest of the day doing little else. I did help E with cleaning out his car so he could load his audio equipment into it and take it all to the Lodge for some event this weekend. Got to criticize him behind his back with T for a bit and blow off some steam.

I also talked with J's social worker today. She asked me to write a couple of paragraphs about each parent's visitation (what we do, how they act, and what I perceive to be the amount of effort they put in). So I did that, and it got me to thinking about the whole messed-up situation.
I'm worried that they're not going to see O's efforts like I do, and it's not gonna be enough for them. Of course, some of that could be because he and I talk constantly about what he's doing to right his wrong.

His wrong, his drinking put J at risk. He tells me his drinking got worse because he couldn't stand watching me dealing with E. He says he saw abuse (emotional never physical) from E, and he couldn't handle watching me accept it. He fell for me, hard, and it drove him to drink watching me and not able to claim me as his. He wouldn't cross that line because he's had it happen to him, so he wouldn't inflict that pain on another man; but he wanted me to set aside my vows and be his. I'll be honest, I've been tempted, often, to take his hand as he asks. I don't see the abuse, but then, I disregard much of what E says or does. {Except in the bedroom. But that's not for here.}

So O goes to hang out with some friends, drinks too much, drives home with J in the car. Threatens to kick her out of the car, thinking she was his X (who is a massive trigger for him), and when she refuses, he pulls over and shuts off the engine, passing out. J calls me in a panic cause she can't get him to wake up. I text his SBCouncilor to report that he's passed-out-drunk again and give her too much information in my panic. She reports it to family services. I was seriously only trying to give his SAC fuel for In-Patient care cause all he was getting at that point was out-patient care, and he didn't want to burden me with driving him into town every day for treatments (which I would have done, willingly!) Instead that call results in him lossing custody of his child, and getting kicked off the ranch.
E claimed it was because "..if he hurts one of you.." while arguing with me over him staying. See, because O didn't know about the argument that grew from his drinking - never heard me talk about what E and I discussed when it came to O and his behavior - or how much I fought for him, every time. He only knows that E said 'go' and he didn't see the numerous fights that led up to that moment.
E would get so mad at me for talking to O, because O had become my best friend, the person I sought when I needed someone to listen - though he did most of the talking more often than not, when I did talk, he listened.

I wasn't an open book, like E seems to think, O only ever heard surface stuff, because I wasn't ready to open those doors and really let him in - only now I wish I had. I gave him enough information about me for him to have a pretty clear picture of who I was, though, because he's able to call me out on all sorts of shit. Like when I'm about to flip a U-turn in the car, or when I'm withholding. He heard enough to know my mind works harder than I let on. He heard enough to fall for me.
I heard enough of him to fall for him, too. His abusive father, his abandoning brother, his academic achievements, his joining the military to spite his father and follow his brother, the war he participated in, the blood on his hands, his abusive and disloyal wife, his cherished child, his other two children he barely knows. His dislike of physical touch, yet he melts to my hand; when he's not angry.

I got off track, I was talking about...what was I talking about?