I just need to say...

So, today i stifled myself while talking to O. He doesnt like to hear when im embracing my depression (anymore than I like hearing his, tbh). So when i expose my scars he fights against them same as I do. E tells me that I change when I hang out around O. But I change because I feel safe around O, can open myself up to be me, around O. Because he can recognize the darkness I keep bottled up. And today, I stopped myself from explaining to O than my being tired is more complicated than being tired. That I want to sleep, to escape; and held back that unless he's here when it wake up, i really don't *want* to wake up. I don't want to be here, taking care of Vernon, because i'd rather be there, taking care of O. Im getting the same advise from two people, who hear my venting and are on two separate sides of the perspective. But I don't know if they're right...I don't know if they're wrong either. O once called the dragon a narcissist. Before the dragon turned...

Rage, betrayal and rage.. its all I've felt for days. I'll go back and fill in days, facts at least, events. But today, its just raw anger. E is a hypocrite. "Make me a drink... so my back might stop hurting." But when O speaks of drinking to deadening pain he's in the wrong. Yes, I admit, there was more to Os drinking than just the drinking - but that's where it fucking starts!! It's a drink here and there to soften the pain, and progresses until you're drinking to much, having someone promise to stand by you and help and then stabbing you in the fucking back! He's a fucking hypocrite!! I want to scream at him, throw it in his face; but if I do he'll see it as a different attack, he'll argue it off. And I'll be the person in the wrong! I just want my Wolf in my life, not this vague shadow in the distance!!!

Today is day 1 of a 2 day convention im helping run "Hellmouth" a con for "**Buffy The Vampire Slayer**" Movie/TV fans... I am 1 of a dozen department heads, managing about 170 volunteers.... I've not been jounralling as much as I did for a while there because I've been reveling in the return of a very special person from my past. Their rise from the shadows sent me into a sky high week of revelations and new understandings. Maybe ill journal about it in the future, and maybe I won't.

Spent the last three days (and two nights) at my brother's. Finally started to feel some peace. Spent a majority of those with O at my side - and there is where the peace stemmed from. Finally verbalize what I want of him. And for that moment, he felt the same; there is some comfort in that. My O.. mine.. not hers, or someone else's; mine. Mine to cherish; not own. I know there is a difference. Mine in heart and soul, mine to dream about and hope for, guard and shelter (for all that O needs protecting and sheltering, he's a strong, capable, independent man); and one day, maybe not today or tomorrow or even next week, but one day mine.

Yea know.. I think I might have found 'a weakness' of your x.. she doesnt know how to handle someone that won't rise to her verbal assault...she tried to get me to argue with her about the placement of Jade, and I wouldn't rise to the challenge. I just sat there, and let her words roll over me, and answered her quietly and calmly...

https://open.spotify.com/track/2qhBwsAvH2L2VQfn30oZnc?si=cl6xTfQWToSccqGjfyDrEQ

And O is back to talking like maybe there is a future for us. I know its all maybes and it's- and dreams upon dreams. But its nice to hear the possibility is there... I delude myself ro think he'll wait for me, and I know that's the truth - but again, its nice to hear the 'maybe' in his voice. Things with E are okay, if one can ignore the lies and hidding in have to do. Hide when I'm talking to O, lie about head over tail for him. I tell O everything! And I prefer to tell him first, before I finally tell E. Fuck, O can hear it in my voice when I answer the phone! He doesn't push, but he hears it, says he can hear it, and then he waits me out. He's my best fucking friend!!

So i was used again, for my body. I was doing my own thing at my desk when E walked around and said "Hey, I wanna show you something.." so I got up to follow up him. He led me to the bedroom, and started nibbling on my neck. One thing led to another and I was laid out on the bed, mostly naked. He did his thing, and I never even got aroused. He got his rocks off, but not me.. It wasn't rape, exactly, as i didn't fight. I know he loves me, I just don't quite feel the same. I didn't not want his attention, but it did nothing for me, even with my eyes closed.

So O blames me for his excessive drinking... And he isn't planning for me to be in his life in the future..? What am i fighting for?? I've never been this hung up on a guy, this 'messed up' over a guy's opinion. I've been close, with the Dragon, and with Todd, but never like this. I've never been wrong up and hung out to dry like this. My emotions locked on how he feels. I just don't get why he has me so wrapped up. If this is love, I'm not entirely sure I want to keep it around - but also absolutely certain I only want him.