Further Conflict

I...I dont... I'm breaking here... I dont... I've been ignoring flags, because i fell hard, but I've seen them..I just didn't want to see them....

A told people at the gate that he wasnt who we thought he was. I heard, and dismissed.

I see a better man in him, I know I do. I see who is he is now, but i see who he could be. Even hes told me that I'm tied up in who he could be, but hes not that man.

Maybe its time I start listening... Breaks inside but I love...

I'm Poly,  I understand others can be to. But not him, hes said, hes for one person. Breaks a little more My heart is so set, that I'm willing, again, to focus on just one with all of me.  But I cant tie him down, because im already married. So I ignore the flags. He's been in relationships with others, while telling me he's all for me. Breaks again he hit on Zeta, even i knew he would. She asked if it was okay, if couldnt say no, I wont limit him that way 'cause I just want him to be happy! But it damaged...something...in me.

Yesterday I was down there for visitation again. And he was in a fair mood, until he wasn't. He got mad, so I pulled him away from the kids, and we talked. He told me he actually laid with Zeta, and he knew it screwed things up, so he wasnt sure he wanted to hang out with her anymore cause things were awkward. Breaks a little As im leaving he tells me, again, that hes dead inside, except for this small shard that is my family. But if that's true, why hit on Zeta? If that's true, why R?

Breaks a little if that's true, why not fix what he knows it need him to fix without my having to point it out.

I know he drinks to ease the pain (both mental and physical); I know he hates himself for what hes been through as a boy, as a young man, and as an older man; I know he drinks too get away from that pain. But there are better, healthier ways to escape them. Breaks a little I don't know how much more breaking i can take... I love him, I've offered him my everything - but does he deserve it..?