This is Healing..?

I confessed to Phoenix two days ago, about my early childhood trauma. Told her how, when I was maybe 5 and my brothers maturing hormones kicked in, he explored those feelings with my body. Not the exact details of it all, but enough to get the confession out. I didn't tell her how I remember my parents leaving the house, leaving us kids alone "just for a little bit" and A would come up with games to play. He took me into the bathroom, had me lay down on the cold tile floor with my pants and panties down around my ankles. He'd then climb over the top of me, and press his body against mine. After a few short moments he'd ask, "Is it in?" like I knew what he was talking about. Scared, I'd nod at him, somehow certain that what he was doing was wrong somehow, but too young to get how. He'd then grind on top of me like he was having some weird seizure. After a few minutes he'd stand up, shrug and walk away, I think, I haven't quite remembered what happened after he'd ask if it was in... This happened a few times over that year, I don't recall how many or how often.

What I do know, is now the damage from that trauma is so severe. I have a mental block that keeps me from organism. I get close, but I never get all the way there. The idea of that kind of intimacy isn't the strong pull it seems to be for everyone else. For me, its the sharing of one's soul in words, that do it. Not organic, but the intimacy. Because if a 13yo boy can steal a child's innocence, what is the use of physical intimacy?!?

Pheonix swore, not at me, but at the trauma, that shed like to strangle my brother for stealing that pleasure from me - but simply sat back, shocked that I'd reveal it to her (knowing she was safe to tell) and for her to have such a violent reaction.

Last night, after going to bed, wishing O a good night of sleep and closing my shut book; I got hungry. I tried to relieve that hunger myself, but I couldnt get there. Even imagining it was O wasn't enough; and i broke into tears. Heavy tears, the kind you sniffle at night with your pillow so you don't wake the rest of the house. The soul-deep kind that carry you into slumber, still crawling from your eyes.

I woke up, wishing I could roll over and find O beside me, knowing E was in the other room, and not caring. Instead I woke up to a very hurt message on my phone, from O, to my night text, that I hope he found rest, and he wouldn't be alone forever... "Sure" was all he said. 

And now all I want to do as more soul-wracking tears threaten my morning, is to melt into my bed, alone..and maybe when I rise again, he'll be there, to make things better just with his presence. Make the soul-deep ache subside, somehow...

I hate my loyalty, right now.. why is it so damn strong, that I cant just tell E im leaving, when its all I want to do. I want to get away from here; I want to go to O and be his queen, not some barmaid to E.. but my loyalty says no. I want to give my everything to Chris!!! But my loyalty denies me, so I slowly bleeding to death here, dreaming of a man that makes me feel safe and loved. E tries to do that for me, I know he loves me. But its just not the right love somehow... I want O...