Letters to my best friend...

 

This last year has taught me that while I can LOVE multiple people, I only WANT one at my side. Polyamorous, but not polyrelationship... Once our union is cemented, that's it. No sharing, no playing with others. All, or nothing. I only wait for a few factors here. 1 the court stuff - resolved, somehow. 2 the marriage - disolved in one way or another. But first 1 must happen, than 2 is just a waiting game. I can't break him, he doesn't deserve it, but he doesn't HAVE me anymore, in anything more than the marriage vows. So I sit by and slowly bleeding out a bit of my soul each time I hear from you, the struggle you're going through wanting me. For 5 years I was numb in this marriage, ignoring the behaviors from him that now get under my skin, because I thought it was all I would ever find. You showed me otherwise; you woke me up; you made me feel again.

 this was this morning after getting off the phone with the newly assigned Social Worker on my Foster's case. In one question she filled me with relief, and choked with despair. So I took my bobbins to school, smoked two Djarums, and forced myself to distraction while I waited for one to do what they must. Then checked my levels as we beheaded home. Its better, but still in dangerous levels.. now I get to go home and clean, and try to hold myself together.. because every step from today feels like a nail in my wolf's coffin... A step closer to his salvation and demise. This is write here, in my blood if I could. I will never keep her from her kin. If she asks, I will take her to see them, regardless of what happens moving forward. By life, and my goddess, this I so swear. They may ask for visits, she will have a yes/no vote, and I will abide. So I breathe, so it is. But I voice here, too, a warning for those who know me. If I loss my wolf, you will lose ...

I barely slept last night, up and now throughout the night. Hes alone at a motel, fighting his demons, alone. I want to be there, but I dont dare go to him. Doing so would definitely seal crossing that line. So this morning, the house is quiet, but the mind is anything but. Im doing my morning routine out of habit more than any determination to care for myself, and all the while tears and slipping out of my eyes. Im not crying, but my eyes say otherwise. I made and ate breakfast and now my stomach is upset, and the tears keep leaking out. I walk away from my computer, unwilling to focus, and move to living room. Light jazz is lifting through the air, and im trying to occupy myself, but my attention is frayed, and the tears continue to leak. What is he doing? Is he sleeping? Is he sulking? And another tears slides down my cheek..

 You know, its interesting when you're in the shower and suddenly to realize you shower more often (especially when getting ready to go see that someone special) because you know its what he likes (not just the shower, but 'prettying up', the 'making the effort') and while you'll pay more attention to your dress you refuse to change your style - because it's also what that special someone likes, the 'you' they met when they first met you; and while you'll change to meet them their visual appeal, you must remain true to yourself. I've never been one to care about how I look, but since meeting O I'm more aware of it. When it came to E I was aware of it, but I wasn't ready to ship any part of me to please them. But I'm finding the desires to be different around O, more willing to shift the ME - while holding true to the core of me.