his words, my heart ache..

Two things..

First; where does K get off claiming to love him but then screws him over left and right because it doesn't suit her needs. He doesn't want a relationship with her, he's seen through the transparency that is K. She wants someone who will cater to her every whim and ignore their own. She wants someone who will take care of her baby so she doesn't have to. She wants a sugar daddy with endless patience so she can continue being the drunk and drugged child she'd prefer to be without the consequences of growing up and being the mother is already is.

Second; he's talking about leaving to MO again. If his X gets custody of the pup, or if i do. I know it's his mindset, but all i see is being punished for fighting to keep the pup safe. Every ounce of my struggle for the pups safety has been for him, and now he says he'll leave when everything is done. That slowly seeping soul-wound is no longer seeping slowly. What has my fight been for?? To keep the pup out of her hands, to keep the pup safe for him because that pup has been his anchor for so long. I Cast to protect the pup, to shield it from the negativity that is it's mum; all to loose the source of that fighting strength!?! How am I supposed to breathe with no air?!

I cried myself to sleep last night, with those words bouncing around in my skull like some loose pinball machine with no pocket to end the gameplay. I know he's thinking of himself when he says he's leaving for MO because it hurts to think he won't have his pup anymore, because it hurts him to hear from me and the minions because he burned bridges he didn't realize he was starting to relie on. But is leaving to save himself, or punish himself.

I'm terrified that if he goes, I'll never hear from him again and that I'll loose him to his his demons...

How am I supposed to breathe with no air?! Pretending like he's not there??