Letters to my best friend...

So, a week or so ago we had a very bad day visiting with O. He was suffering from Heat Exhaustion, Dehydration, and Social Overload. Then he added a drink to the mix, and by the end of the day I was deeply upset and questioning everything. In anger I told him to stop drinking, that his rage when under the influence was toxic - and I was lossing the strength to continue fighting for him and with him. Which of course caused another scene - I really didn't expect it to go any other way. He was enraged, yelling at his daughter, yelling at my kid who was defending his daughter - all while I was driving. I got him home, and was so frustrated and torn that rather than take him all the way to his apartment, I dropped him off at the street watched for him to get to his door and let himself in, then drove off. I switched  with HellKatt while he was yelling at the kids in the backseat, and she drove. I'm given to understand we pulled off the road where I'd been in the 4 1/2 rollover (...

Im getting so tired of hiding how I feel.  I understand how they don't see him for who I see,  that they don't know him for who I know.  I don't fucking care. Im tired of not being able to race up to him, wrap my arms around his neck and plant a kiss on him. Im tired of not being able to lean over and kiss him when he does something i feel he should be kissed for. Im tired of not feeling like i have the right to arrest his physical play, because he's my Wolf, and only mine. But he's not, until there is one less ring on my wedding finger.  Im tired of biting my tongue around people who know, but don't know.  Im so very tired of not being able to embrace the man i love when my stress is through the roof. I want him to be able to wrap his arms around me and drain away some of the emotions that are overwhelming me.

I have Josh up my ass because I can't make him feel better (not literally, but sure feels like it), and I'm breaking a little very fucking day. Dealing with Federation BS (which actually helps a little, cause it is shit I actually can help with), and Mike and Carrie up my ass nearly every day trying to help and being extra-pain-in-the-assey in the process, my kids up my ass cause I'm not being much of a parent, Josh up my ass cause I'm barely taking care of myself cause I'm too damned busy taking care of him - and up my ass cause nothing else in the house seems to be getting accomplished (cleaning, repairs, etc) cause he desperately needs me at his side 99.999% of the time or he gets anxious (thinking of the day I left my phone in the car while trying to get him in earlier for dr appts and he had a full blown panic attack cause I was at a clinic and not answering his calls) I just can't get a break! When I do sleep, and somehow wake up rested, it gets blown to ...

Feeling a bit better already.. damn moodswings can bite my left tit and make my right tit jealous..they suck.

For the record im not on the edge, I'm not that lost. I'm just hurting,  and wishing someone out there could be of more help... anyone.. Just a very deep downswing in emotions. I'll be okay in a few.. just too damn tired..

Im uncertain how I feel about O now. I still love him, but im somehow on the fence about being in love with him. Certain details came to light that im having a hard time seeing past, and its screwing up my emotions.  Not the least of which is one simple truth, that I knew and chose to ignore because im Polyamourous and I know how easy is it to get distracted by a nice ass (or a pair of tits if you swing that way). But if he was as in love with me as I believed myself to be with him, his attention would waver less - would it? Ive been raised to know a man has needs, and when those needs aren't met, they waffle. And i know im not meeting them for him right now because im holding true to my vow (as hard as that's been to do - until now). But he hit on Zeta, my 'adopted daughter', and even claims he slept with her and felt guilty for it. Ive never known Zeta to lie to me (she says he's flirted only), and I know when hes drinking he says things he doesnt mean (alcohol=no...

I...I dont... I'm breaking here... I dont... I've been ignoring flags, because i fell hard, but I've seen them..I just didn't want to see them.... A  told people at the gate that he wasnt who we thought he was. I heard, and dismissed. I see a better man in him, I know I do. I see who is he is now, but i see who he could be. Even hes told me that I'm tied up in who he could be, but hes not that man. Maybe its time I start listening... Breaks inside  but I love... I'm Poly,  I understand others can be to. But not him, hes said, hes for one person. Breaks a little more  My heart is so set, that I'm willing, again, to focus on just one with all of me.  But I cant tie him down, because im already married. So I ignore the flags. He's been in relationships with others, while telling me he's all for me. Breaks again  he hit on Zeta, even i knew he would. She asked if it was okay, if couldnt say no, I wont limit him that way 'cause I just want him to be h...