I just need to say...

I told D almost everything today because I needed her opinion about E. She knows my positing, and even hearing about how things have been playing out, ages that J may be going too far. But my point wasn't him, but the point was, if I could tell D, then I was sincere in my position. I love and have fallen for you,  but it must wait for things to change.

yep, weeks later I still just want to grab your hair and silence your rambling. Not because I don't want to hear it, but because I find it to be so damn attractive, that unintentional info dump. Because I know where it comes from, the depth of emotion I know dwelling there, for that info dump to hit.

2 days ago we rushed out together to pick up M for one last great move. The night before, you and E got into a pretty big fight (that centered around me but wasn't about me). I've thought about those two days since (and while it wasn't that long ago, I haven't shaken it. My Wolf, my lively, handsome, protective Wolf; you saw the tears that weren't flowing as I sat nearly catatonic beside you all day. You saw the raw wound, bleeding out before you. I know you knew when E and I started talking that I slapped on a happy little mask and hid again, but you saw me. You SAW me. Last night, I hit upon a truth as I lay in bed. Not only do I love you, my Wolf, but I am IN love with you. I want to see you looking at me and seeing who I am, every day. I want to See you, and a part of me is scared that I never will. I want you to be a part of my life, for as long as you are on this Earth, and linger because you are a part of my heart, soul, and breath.

gone a night, and all I want to do when you return, dusty, dirty with grease and oil, is grab your face and kiss it. Damn, I'm hooked. I find I want you, all of you, but I can't; and I have to remind myself of this. I want to snake myself around you, envelope you, and make you mine completely but the marriage vow holds me back. You flirt and tempt and tease, and to be sure a part wants to answer, but just can't. The stolen kisses have been delicious, but I cant see myself going further no matter how much I really want to. I crossed that line one life before, I won't do so again; no matter the lust and the temptation.

I feel like the last few days have been the hardest days, at least for me. I've spent the last few days urging you to not drink - for you, for your daughter. But I don't want you feeling like I'm harassing you for me - while your rages scare me, I'll deal with it. I don't want you to think I'm trying to change you, because I'm not. I fell for you, as a monster, with the shadow of kindness, and I love that you are changing, so long as you're doing it FOR YOU. It tickles me when you grumble about my attire since I know where it stems from. Some days I pick it out just for you, some days for him; most days for me. Today, it was for me, my swimsuit because I felt like a dip and then he started grumping around the house. He only ever asks for a braid, he never seeks my attention for his appearance. I enjoy helping you, even when the end appearance looks so young. I still look at that younger face, and then a glance at those aged and scarred eyes, and I see YO...

Today's entry is early, as I'm making breakfast for 3. A feeling of warmth settles over me, as I set three plates on the island. A rare feeling of peace, as I walk through the steps. The dryer is running in the other room, the house is quiet save for the low drone of the TV and the light breathing of you. You, the man who consumes nearly every waking thought of me. I want to run my hands through your hair in a gentle caress every moment of the day but restrain myself. I want to grab your face and pull it in for a kiss, but I refrain. I want to take you driving and have you tap tap tap my shoulder to get my attention, just to know you still care enough to try. Not that I think you don't, but each tap fills me with comfort. Yes, you can be a downright rotten asshole, when you're overwhelmed, because the anger is your go-to, preprogrammed into you before we met, and will take years, decades even to reprogram; I get it. But when you're not deep in your feelings, you are...

Today you threatened to leave, in anger. Then accused me of shutting down and closing you out. But when I tried to talk to you, once I'd calmed down, you got irate and accused me of not vouching for you, of being selfish and only thinking of myself. Ene Otsoa, I've done nothing BUT vouch for you. I hide your drinking (or the extent of it), I explain away your eruptions of anger, and I protect your secrets and confidences. I move on your schedule, of late, rather than mine more often than not. So I'm sorry if I refuse to talk when I'm mad, it's how I learned to handle my emotions (trauma response training) - I learned not to speak in anger or high emotions. I did not, however, block you from sensing my mood - you knew I was upset; just not why. I'm sorry I flew down the freeway at 102 mph I wanted to get home, to the ranch, where I feel safe, and I could protect the things I love. The things I love, my kids, and you. But you threatened to leave, and it hurt. I kn...

  Today I've found that there are ‘little things’ you do, that I find attractive. You twirl your hair when you're watching videos on your phone. You get hyper randomly and start babbling (and in those moments I just want to grab your hair and silence you), sometimes with no apparent thought cohesion. You rapidly tap at my shoulder to get my attention in the car. https://www.facebook.com/reel/964228508233448?s=yWDuG2&fs=e&mibextid=Nif5oz

  just hours ago you spent the day by my side, near enough to be supportive even when you napped, or scrolled through your phone; I knew you were there. It was the 53rd year of a man who had a profound affect on my life, but had left too soon for me to tell him so, and it marks 13 years without him around. He had been my best friend, through most of my teen years, and though I missed him as much this year as every year before, your presence eased the ache. We talked some about future ideas, and it all felt so comfortable. https://www.facebook.com/reel/1024433009113471?s=yWDuG2&fs=e&mibextid=Nif5oz I know you're hesitant to read this, and it's gotten so long I can't blame you, but one day I hope you do, and you understand me better through it; not that you don't understand me now, mind. But you are sent by the gods, at this point I'm certain; if not for your sake than for mine, to help heal both you and I from the invisible wounds we've suffered. You smil...

Today I'm looking in your eyes and finding them hard to read. I'm not sure if it's because last night cut so deep, or if it's because you've shut me out. But I know, today, I've felt less sure of how you're feeling under your masks. I'm not ready to give up, even though I'm starting to hear whispers that maybe I should. You talk, now, endlessly of leaving (and coming back, I do hear you) of how you want to get away (for a little while), and then you turn and ask my opinion; but you really don't want to hear it because it's a very selfish opinion. If you've gotten this far in the journal, you already know. But you told me last night that you're scared to read this, because you're not sure you've ever experienced true love, and I understand that - because I don't know as I have, either. But I know what I feel for you; and if all the bullying you've done so far hasn't turned me aside, I feel it might be safe to say th...

Today we go to face off with your X, and all I feel is trepidation; mixed with anticipation. I want to help you win free of the toxicity that is She.  By nightfall, you were raging, and I understood its core. You screamed and yelled, and I listened to every word. You railed against me, against Torrin; and we took it. You tossed me aside, and called me trash; and it hurt, I won't say it didn't. You deserve honesty from me, if no one else, your words - pushing me away, hurt…a lot. Ripped apart the heart of my strength and ground it into the dirt. I wanted to walk away, just so you would stay - but I knew, that wasn't what you really wanted. So I kept myself firmly in my seat, held myself in check, and fought down the grief that was rocking through me in that moment. Yes, you read (or heard) that right, grief, not anger. I felt, with those words, that I'd lost everything I'd been fighting for. To be honest, a day later, I'm still not sure.

You tell me the hope is going out in my gaze, but I feel it's the opposite. I feel as though the conflict is slowly resolving. I don't want to let my parents down, my father had faith that I would make the right choice when I was conflicted between Lucian and E, but I wasn't. I didn't want Lucian, not long term; he was a means of escape. My parents sent me away for a month so I could ‘get my head on straight’, and they were right then. My father told my husband that I would go back to him, and in the end, I did. I almost left to be with Ryan because I was feeling neglected and J and I were constantly fighting over finances. Ryan only wanted the next forbidden thing, and I saw it then, but it was what I thought I wanted. He was the forbidden fruit with grand promises of peace, and I wanted it. He handed me the leash about his throat, and bowed to me as his master, and I was tempted. He was a flirt, with everything that had boobs. So forgive me, please, if I have reservat...

God's, all I want to do when I see you sleeping is curl up next to you, beside you, behind you - so you can feel safe, knowing someone has your back. I feel like it's not what I should do, because what would others think if they found us.

Today's thought is simple. I love you. You frustrate me, but I love you. I wish I could convince you that I have no intention of tossing you or your child away, in any form. You ask for my oath, that which I never give loosely, I give it. An oath on the stars above, I plan to keep you as close as I can, and your daughter with you. This I write, this I empower with my will, sworn to Bast as Her servant and Voice, so shall it be. I know the depression will make you question, but I've said this before, and I mean it.

Today we went to the dr for your lower back, and by the time we left you had an MRI of your entire spine on the docket. But getting to this point was painful. I know you're hurting, ene Otsoa; I see it in the corners of your eyes. I expect another fight today, as I encourage you to take care of yourself. You tell us you're not used to having people around that care, grown used to ignoring the things that trouble you. Training from your sire, and the military both makes you able to compartmentalize the pain, I get it. But, Ene Otsoa, you shouldn't have to!!!

Today, you pushed my patience and compassion. Today you challenged me to care, as though I haven't been already. I know you haven't read this, because if you had you likely would be treating me differently, and perhaps yourself as well. So weeks back you slammed your foot against a car battery on the back deck, and since then you've been commenting about your toe hurting. Today you accused us of not caring when all I've been doing is carefully watching as you stumble across the house, or store, or from one errand to the next. Listening to you insist that you're built differently, trained differently, that you can handle the pain. Watching as you wince each time you flex, or stumble because you lose your balance. Suggesting we take you to have it looked at, over and over and get laughed down. How is that NOT caring? I don't harass you about visiting, because I know you don't like hospitals - but I know you should go. If your toe isn't healing right, as it...