Letters to my best friend...

Holy.. woke up this morning hungry as hell... growled to myself, went back to sleep, woke again still hungry... This hunger is making me a little uneasy, cause all I want is to OWN you, to make you realize that no other can. This hunger is blinding me, filling me, consuming me; I want to mark you mine. But you're not mine, and I shouldn't mark you so. But waking these last few days, those are the thoughts grounding through my body. Waking in the morning, my thoughts aren't on him right away, until I realize he's there; they're on you, and wondering why you're not beside me, or near me. You told R about those few mornings when you'd wake in the house and I'd be watching over you, because I didn't dare go to you. In those early days while I was still sorting out what I was feeling, trying to convince myself that I wasn't falling head over tail, that you were this horrible man you presented yourself to be. Those early mornings, when all I saw was th...

  https://www.facebook.com/reel/1784430848754579?mibextid=9drbnH&s=yWDuG2&fs=e so yesterday we talked in the morning, than not again all day. It felt a little weird, like both of us were in shock over the discussion. I kept reaching for the phone, wanting to call, or see if there were messages, but never called and no messages came. Then I woke this morning, to find you'd tried to call before I stirred from slumber and now I'm filled with trepidation. A part of me wants to allow you to have your ring back, that I may have mine, so that I can show, again, to the world the words I can't speak easily; but i also don't want to because your ring has been a life preserver in the lonely hours of the day and night. I weary of waiting for the gods to grant me the release from old vows, so that I might chase to the new. He may have done you wrong, Ene Otsoa, but he is a good man.

Why, if I was such a gods-send for the man, do I feel like I'm being vilified? I pulled him up from the depth of darkness and despair, and with one panicked action, without thought, destroyed him in equal measure. I just got off the phone with the court reporter, after giving my interview (thank you gods for letting me do that, btw), and expressing my worries about Alexis gaining custody of my wolf cub. And have been assured that, at least at this time, there is no evidence that the courts are considering this avenue. They are still attempting to reunite the cub with her sire. My husband sees the worry on my face, but can’t identify it. Doesn’t understand that I’m worried about the cub and her safety, and I’m worried about the father and his safety. I adore the father, pine for the father when he’s too far away, am addicted to the father, love and am in love with the father. And I only want to see him happy - his happiness would be mine, if it can be gained. I asked you to go again...

so i knew today you said you were going, I thought maybe you'd squirrel it away like most things. Then she called to talk to the cub, and your voice came over the phone. I immediately slammed down on the sting that rose like bile in the back of the throat. I can't be jealous of her, I won't let myself. She's a part of your past, present, and future; she has every right to be somewhere in your life. But the selfish part of me wants her to kick rocks as much as you want mine to kick rocks. I miss you, not but days past and it feels like weeks. Then I heard she might be going with Sunday, and the bile rose again. Forced to the hide, again, the emotions I struggle to keep suppressed the rest of the week, those which i can only openly show around those who barely know me, and support what we share anyway. I am open to understanding, but this pang of jealousy is dangerous in me, unpredictable, erratic, and a completely new aspect of my personality that I'm not sure i can ...

gods, that voice drop.. I'm already bound to you Ene Wolf, but that voice drops. Once upon a time I wasn't talking to max about the deep baritone voices of Geoff (from Penatonix) always hit me differently. And your voice, when it drops, is also hitting differently.. that deep almost gravelly growl, omg, you'd have me completely undone… That growl touches parts of my soul that even HellKatt won't ignore. It appears I'm still waiting for that explosion of anger for everything that's happened. I guess the first dose wasn't enough to assuage my guilt. I still feel responsible, AM responsible for my part of the misdeeds that led us here. I'm not trying to take your guilt, just my own, just what's rightfully mine. I want to explain myself, I want you to understand. But all that aside, it's about time and you know what I mean! More than the stolen pecks; less than i want, but just as much as i was hoping it would be. You've no right to tell me i can...

i found it flattering that you spent time yesterday explaining to me and assuring me that you and R weren't a ‘thing’ not once, but several times. I know you're doing that because you've been reading these, and you know my own insecurities. I had fun yesterday, and I'd have to agree, distance does make the heart grow fonder. I used to think otherwise; that distance allowed the heat of emotion to cool over time. But yesterday when you called a private conference, my heart stopped as that door latched closed and the room went dark. I'll admit, a part of me wished a kiss had been stolen in those moments of darkness, but then the light clicked on, and you were further away than when you'd closed the door. I had to swallow my heart then, because if I hadn't well, whose to say what I might have said when I opened my mouth to talk, even in that instant. And then you asked for head pats, without asking for head pats; chaperones. The distance certainly is not letting...

I'm selfish,  but I understand I can't be. https://www.facebook.com/reel/1063898892016003?mibextid=9drbnH&s=yWDuG2&fs=e