I just need to say...

Holy freckle, cricket! Today has been the most subdued uneventful day I've had in a long time! I talked with O for 50 minutes so on the phone, and felt peace fall over me. I want to be a part of his life, and he a part of mine; but i set a boundary the other day I wont go back on. I want a sober partner, and a monogamous one to boot. If I am to be his and give of myself fully, I need him to do the same. He told me today that I generally has a rule about going after married women, but he broke that rule for me. He also asked me how to tell his ex that he was done with her, and I advised him to do it bluntly, and clearly; not to leave doors or windows open. If hes done with her, as he says, it must be fully and completely. The obvious exception being their daughter. Apparently, too, he must close windows with some "Maria" from his past, as well. I dont know her, but the name alone strikes cords in my head that i'm having problems reconciling. My "Maria" is now...

Slowly coming to think (or realize) that my obsession with O isn't good for me. O is an alcoholic, this is known. I know hes also a flirt. But apparently this last big is a bigger problem than I supposed. When he drinks, other ladies become targets. He professes to love me, but then I hear that hes all over others; aggressively flirting with others. Would it be wrong of me to demand he show me how much he loves me by taking better care of himself and going through rehab to get clear of his addiction to the alcohol? Ive sworn I wont try to fix him, but i cant guarantee that he'd be mine right now, if he is still drinking and going after others. And I so want him to be mine. As poly as I am, i'm ready to be fully his, and only his. But I wont leave E for O if O is still fighting this chemical demon... I wont put myself into a relationship where I have to question every person hes around. I dont like the jealousy I feel. I dont like that monster in me.

0530: The alarm disturbed my dream. I reached over and snooze it, 5 minutes reprieve. 0535: That alarm again, another snooze and settle back down into my forest where I last saw a burly gray flecked wolf. 0540: I reach over and stop the alarm all together, bury my face in the weighted red panda I sleep with and move it up into my pillow where my head should be. Throw my feet out from under the covers, and stretch just a little. From here, my morning gets hazy, I shuffle to the bathroom for my morning absolution, then back to the bedroom to get dressed for the day. The house is quiet, safe for the subtle drone of computer fans and the pattering of feline feet. I move slowly to the stove to start water for my tea, and from there to my computer for the morning news. A stray thought flitters unsummoned across my mind, about better mornings with the low rumbles of a snoring giant in the livingroom. My hand itches to pull out my phone and message him, but I just as suddenly remember that is ...

...and now to bury my frustration and guilt...I will clean. I feel like crap (i ate too much and it hit my stomach like a brick) but its got to be done before I fly into a manic attack of frustration, guilt, and failure.

My husband touched me last night, intimately,  but my mind replaced his hands with those of O. My husband's intimate kisses, and nibbles, replaced by imaginings of Os. My body rose to desire, but mind replaced E with O in every heartbeat. This morning, O calls and starts by saying he doesnt want two witches fighting over him, that hes not a turf war. Then tells me he felt guilty because he felt comfortable at someone else's house. Then questions that I killed something, but when I asked, he only hung up. I begin to worry that he thinks I cast some spell to capture his heart, but I didn't; on my place as priestess of Bast, I didn't. Ive only ever Cast protections, for him, for his daughter. Severed threads that shouldn't hold him, but never Bound him to me. The Bond we shared, was not by my hand. He told me he wasnt wearing his necklace, something I never told him he had to wear, and was feeling guilty. I want to drive out to him, but hes 3 hours away right now. I fe...

So today O asks to see his daughter, fair, I need to get her out to see her parents. I tell him maybe next week cause I need to get an oil change done first, he offers to do it for me (one reason I adore him). I tell him we'll see, and he shifts his attitude because he feels he must. "I want to see my child.." my heart leaps to answer, but i reply only with "I'll see what I can do.." And my mind, my crazy little quizical mind, sits back and asks: is it just her hes so desperate to see (which, really, I would understand), or is there more to it? Does he feel the same insatiable craving that only subsides when hes around me - or am I fooling myself?

I'm uncertain how I feel today. Two days ago I tore into my husband, in a rage; ready to walk out the door for good. Yesterday, I struggled most of the day to the most basic of things, exhausted, overwhelmed, and stressed. I slept for 7 hours, but my body informs me im still tired. Yesterday O was all over the place mentally, manic, and confused at times. Saying first one thing, than another; and i wasnt close enough to help. I spent the last two days 'following' him around from place to place, to the point that he turned off his tracking, so now I cant see him at all. I suppose i deserve it, really; but the silence today was deafening and I found myself excusing away the silence. He said that wasnt the case, when he finally called. Im lost. I love him, irrevocably, but the tiniest part of me is starting to question - not lose faith, just wanting answers.

Why is it (in just about every case) I can see the current vs the old - in just about everyone...? and I'm then accused of picking the 'wrong' friends. Newer problems, triggering 'older' feelings - and I'm discovering in those moments exactly where my sudden fortitude for my own opinions is stemming from. I want to see the good in people, regardless of what others see in them; because that's how my mind/heart works - if you don't like it, I'm sure you can find a door. Get over your own ego and see a person for who they are trying to present to the world when they open their eyes each days. Let the past go.. JUST LET IT GO!!

The sun set today on comforting news. O finally appears to realize that I am well and truly his, and that I will worry myself unto death for him. He may not like it, but hes seeing it now; seeing, or feeling. He sleeps tonight, with a roof squarely over his head. His days may be numbered, but at least for a few days I know he is safe, and warm, and dry. By his word, I am the ground beneath his feet, and the reason he has hope in 'tomorrow'; even as I do.

Worked things out with my Brother after a heavy miscommunication Monday. Felt weird not talking to him most of the week, but I had to coolndown and let him cool down too before it could be addressed. Of course, clearing things up with my Brother doesnt help with the severe BondSickness ive been coping with this week. I just want my Wolf, much else doesn't really matter to me. I've been sleeping more, at night, during the day, with the faintest of hopes that one of those sleep periods will end with him waking me up. Realistically I know that's not gonna happen anytime soon, but damn, if it isn't the repeat dream I wake to. I want to fall asleep next to him, wake up to him, reach out to find his chest rising and falling steadily as he slumbers beside me. I had a hint of what that could be like while he lived here, and I cherished it then (and miss it now). I miss him. I enjoy the visits, but i miss him (and its made harder every day we spend together and have to part agai...

Talking to him eased some of the anxiety I've been secreting away the last few days. Of course it did, its him. Talking to him always puts the worst of my emotions in check, even if we don't talk about whatever is triggering me. He's good like that, our bond works that way. Over the last two days hes called 4 times, twice just to say hey and keep me apprised of his doings. He's not great, but hes okay. He's in a motel until tomorrow I guess, then his handler/aunt  will be letting him move onto one of her properties i guess im hearing; him and Monte. Not the greatest arrangements, but better than on the street. And his handler wont let him get away with some of the bs hes been pulling, any more than I would (maybe less so). Oh, and Monday he said something to me, without prompting, that left me speechless.. "You make me feel free. You make me forget that I hate myself when im around you.." and all I wanted to do in that moment was make it a permanent thing....

Today started out decently enough. I had the mental fortitude to start working on rewriting the Chapter Manual for the Federation. But before that I found my familiar Gypsy giving birth to her second litter of kittens. By noon, however, I was starting to feel like something was off, and couldnt put my finger on it. There was just, this feeling, that I couldnt shake. I pushed forward with my day, ignoring it as best as I could, picking up my foster from the school bus, collecting the mail, settling in at home to go back to the document, or a game on the PC. But the mail held an unexpected surprise, a court summons for my Wolf, with a warrant for his arrest as a reward if he failed to appear. Confused, concerned, and unconvinced it was his, I took a Pic of the mailer and sent it to him via sms. I put the court case on his schedule, and then, still confused scanned it and emailed him a better copy to read. That done, I felt suddenly very drained, and went to lay down in bed. I laid there ...

      When a person starts seriously contemplating leaving husband and kids, you know something is seriously wrong at 'home' - somehow. In this case, it's the mind, heart, and soul.     I found myself this morning considering finding my aunt's mailing address, writing her a letter, and then following that letter days later. " Aunt Brenda,  I know we aren't close, but we're about to fix that. I'm coming to stay with you until I can get on my feet... " Only, I haven't written that letter cause responsibility holds me here. I promised 'forever' and 'until the rose dies, with a frozen rose that couldn't die'. I had kids, kids I find myself occasionally spiteful of. I'm raising a foster child, another responsibility I can't shirk, but it doesn't chafe as much.     The husband is fine; caring, supportive, usually understanding, loving even. I even love him; but it doesn't feel solid anymore. Lately, it's felt ...

Another day, another tearful drive back to the ranch. I drove out to help him and his roommate pack up the apartment, but by the time I left I was feeling marginally unwanted. The Kunt was there calling the shots like it was her place, and I just wanted to shove a dirty sock in her mouth and her down the stairs. I understood the guys were feeling overwhelmed, so I only offered suggestions to help with the packing procedure - never told them what to do. That Kunt, however, was full of 'do it this way' and 'we'll do it that' all over the place. I understand she's used to controling things (or thinking she is) but she was overstepping left and right. When I left, it was late, and I was no longer useful (tired, sore, and tapped out) but I'd have been just as content to curl up on a half-packed bed and take a nap as drive 2 hours back to a place I no longer feel comfortable. So I drove home, looking through pools and struggling to breathe; my cheeks wet from the ...