I just need to say...

... you put that thought in my head, and now it's echoing through every step he makes. A part of me hoping it were true, what a reason to break the vows. But another part of me, screams defiance at the thought. He wouldn't. He did once, only as vengeance for my first discretion. I let it pass then, as justified. He hasn't since, so loyal to me that I don't even raise a jealous head when he talks about coworkers. But so help me, if he comes home smelling of drink, I'm not sure how I'll feel. I accepted it from you, as it a part of who you are, has been for a very long time, but it would be new to him. I just don't know. I want you to drop your drinking to your birthday, new years, and maybe other holidays or celebratory days, but I won't Command it, though I know I could. I've heavily suggested it in the past, but I refuse to be that wife that gives Commands. Your not in the military anymore, live, no one should be giving you orders anymore. I know th...

  https://www.facebook.com/reel/1355719529114280

... and he comes home smelling of alcohol.. not dying signs of drink, but the smell is pungent.  I know he drinks too drown the pain in his mouth, but it strikes me as hypocritical. And a bit of anger starts to burn…

So, last night, after we had a somewhat serious talk, I put to voice something I've been thinking about heavily. Thinking about so heavily i have them written out and linked in this journal for future reference.. But last night, I gave it voice, and confessed it to my brother.  When my vows break or dissolve here, I'm leaving state. I won't break them,  but one way or another they will end one day, and when they do I'm selling anything i have left here and leaving. My last anchor here is this marriage, and I don't know where I'll go but it will be out of CA. Maybe I'll go to SC to be closer to C, maybe OR to follow that old dream. But wherever I go, you'll be invited. I want to spend the rest of tomorrow's with you IN my life, not just on a shared path. But to get to that point, right now, I have to tread ‘the shared path’. I heard you last night when you asked me into your life, and I want desperately to agree; but I'm a person of my word, and I...

For the record, the last three days have been a delight. Talking to you on the phone like teenage sweethearts.. ANYWAY, I also wanted to go on the record to say, weekly visits are killing me. Not the visits themselves, but the week gap between them. The dying part (selfish part) of me wants to demand that Josh put a small single person unit in the back seven and demand you move in; just so you're close again. The jealous part of me has some nasty designs for R (who hurt you) and K (who may mean well, but is also a dangerous snake), and it's strength is on the rise. K has apparently told D the reason you were kicked off the ranch was because you laid hands on people here. I set him straight (not on the actual why) but on the actual NOT why of the eviction. I want to tell you about this revelations, but I don't want to add stress to your shoulders. But Otsoa, please, be careful how far you trust her to help you.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/2256612791399935 You sent me a reel the other day, with all caps saying LISTEN PLEASE, so I did. I do. If I must let you go, I will, in time; but it will not be easy, and I will not do so without a fight. You, and your sour apple crayons, have become a part of my soul, and letting go will mean letting a part of myself go as well. But, as I’ve already said, if I must, I will.

Valentine's Day, and while it's more a commercial day, I'd rather spend it with you. Otsoa, I hope you realize that you are NOT my “second choice”; had you been there when I swore vows with Josh, I'd not have sworn them to him. You are NOT my “backup” plan, in that i want to keep you on the sidelines as an “if it doesn't work out”. You're my “next step”, if you'll have me. THE person, my person, the icon of my soul, that I will turn to when my current union vows dissolve for whatever reason. I won't go against the union vows I've already sworn, as much as they chafe, because he doesn't deserve it as long as he continues trying to improve. But when they dissolve, you can bet, I'll be on top of the nearest highest mountain, gathering those I hold dear, and declaring to them what I wish I could declare to you. You are the better man, the stronger man, and the man who holds my heart and soul. You, my Wolf, mean more to me than ever the Dragon did...

-dark mf rabbit hole- the day evens out, and then the ugly green monster raises its head, and it's vicious with its blood lust…

Yesterday you asked me what I thought you should do.  When I told you, again, to stop drinking you told me you didn't want to. I get it, is been an escape for you, for decades, to avoid dealing with things you don't want to, to avoid the memories that eat at you; but I also heard that you, my love, are finally at a point when you might be able to defeat that monster. You understood that I couldn't talk to you about the risk you put your child in (even though you'd never have done it sober), because you were so far gone in the sauce. You asked me what I wanted you to do; humble yourself a touch, stop drinking, and continue to own up to your mistakes. I've been seeing you do it for weeks now, and every step you take makes me proud to know you. I don't expect you to change the core you- is the man I love- but showing that you're learning; my Otsoa, that's fucking hot as hell..

  As I prepped for my shower this morning, taking off jewelry, a thought crossed my mind.. ‘Sorry, Ryan, there's only room for one Wolf in my life. We've been apart too long, you're no longer the Wolf pacing in my heart. That place belongs only to One, it belongs now and after to Otsoa..’ He was another life, as was the dragon I spent too many years pinning for. I feel some warmth when I think their names, but I feel the fire when my thoughts actively brush your memory. https://www.facebook.com/reel/1578720363012358?mibextid=9drbnH&s=yWDuG2&fs=e

I can't win for losing!! I answer your needs over the girls, I get shit from the girls. I answer the girls' needs over yours, I get accused of not being in your corner. And people ask me what I'd do if I could go back in time and fix one mistake. Right now, it would be marrying Josh. I'd been old and bitter by the time I met you, but with your history maybe that'd be fine. I want, one day, to hear you refer to them as stepchildren, not siblings… I want to lay down to sleep next to you, wake up next to you, go through LIFE with you! I don't want either of our last days to be filled with regret (whenever they come) but mine already are. I regret not meeting you sooner.

Just for the record, While we were wandering beneath the trees in Forest Falls, I really wanted to pull you in for a kiss.