I just need to say...

The day was okay. I didn't get down to redlands, but I did get out to return a dress my husband bought for me, that didn't fit. I also got out to pick up dog food for the pack of ravenous herd guards that don't do their job. I felt like like a horrible person not getting down to Redlands like I'd planned, but it saves me gas money. Tomorrow, O and M will be coming up here, and he isn't holding my absence against me. I can't help feeling like crude though. J just messaged me to let me know his work buddy passed on. I've fought down urges today to drive into a ditch, or upcoming cars - and stopped myself both times. So that's something, I suppose. Anyway, think I'll get on with my evening now...

Having a hard time getting out of bed today, not gonna lie. There's things to do, like shower, and medicate, but I don't want to. I want to lay here, have an arm thrown over me and a warm breath in my ear, but it just isn't happening... I'm tired. I love, deeply, but lately and unreasonably, I've felt like it's been one-sided. I know he had to get himself right, and I love hearing that he's working on it, but then I get calls like last night. "I don't want you to see me weak.." fucker i don't want to only see you when you're strong!! I want to be there when you need the hand up, whenever that is, so it will mean more when you don't need it! I don't want you to only see me at my strength, either, but you need my strength right now more than my weakness. In your hours of need, you need me to be strong, to help you through, so I keep my council to myself. You don't need to see how much my commitment to another is tearing me up,...

Today I may be driving down the hill to redlands to look at a house with O and M, but its a bit in the air. I was also supposed to drive down to help clean their apartment, but O put a pin in that for now. I need to drop ship some stuff, mostly returns, but if I plan it right, i could do that while heading down to see O. I'm worried about him, tbh, he's been in a bad headspace for weeks now, and while I suspect I know how to pull him out, I can't commit that time to him. I love him, deeply, but my marriage is still holding and I have to prioritize that until it doesn't.

Of course... Of course the only bit of me that's cheating is my heart. And legally it's cheating on E with O; but emotionally it is becoming more cheating on O with E. There is nothing between O and I that is binding. I really need to practice exposing my innermost sheltered thoughts and emotions. I promised O last night that if I was going to continue to be there for him, than I had to let him be here for me. That means I have to stop dismissing what I'm feeling because it isn't in line with what others feel; I need to stop censuring myself, stop hiding myself. Stop feeding everything to HellKatt as I've done since I was in my early 20s when she was created.  Perhaps, after 20+ years, HellKatt no longer serves, and I can finally, truly merge her back into my subconcious...To be seen. The big problem with that is half of the time, I don't know what I'm feeling. When my mood goes down the rabbit hole I don't know why most of the time. When I feel the s...

E's sleep schedule is all out of wack.. so I just 'put him to bed'.. did it to help him sleep, and to alleviate some pent-up energy in me, cause something/someone got my engine running hard... and as I walked away, I felt like shit, cause I can't tell who I'm cheating on anymore... I can't have who I want, not sure I want who I have...and the only thing holding me from falling apart are vows to stay... So I sat at my desk and broke into tears. I shoved it all down after a moment by reminding myself that what I want isn't as important as keeping others happy. It has always been that way, and it didn't change overnight just cause someone said so... O, did you really mean what you said yesterday? I know how much you abhor the idea of another wife..how much you aren't excited about another committment. I don't want you to ignore your wants just to appease mine. I am all in, if you are; but I can accept less if you don't. O, your an overthinker li...

HOW the fuck do I make this work?!? I want YOU, but I can’t have you without breaking vows that were already made… Neither of us approve of the ‘cheating’ scene; but we’re both head over kester for the other… I can’t break vows without ruining some measure of what trust you still have in me. I won’t ‘cheat’ as that will ruin what trust remains. But both of us feel what we feel, fight it as I have. I didn’t want to fall for you, I was content in my place, accepting of my chosen lot; and then you, with your battle-scars and broken spirit, entered into my orbit. You with all the physic I’ve always been drawn to, the physic that always caught my eye when I was out and about living my life. Tall, less lanky than I’d normally go for (David Tenant, Benedict Cumberbatch), but built sturdy. With a body like yours, it’s no wonder others have been attracted to you. I could feel jealousy towards every woman that looked at you sideway; could, and do. I want to be able to ‘show you off like a side o...

https://open.spotify.com/track/5ZZvLDJtfMPey8eOUKnXdE?si=w5Mn72sFQQi1UrdLWJyQdA I don't call people when I'm hurting, because I don't want people to see me weak. Much like you, my wounds are mine, and they seep and continue to fester because I hold them to myself. You have come closer than most to really seeing me when I let myself feel those wounds. I know i have to let them out to allow them to heal, but my wounds are from how I've been treated by others, and some of those can't heal because they aren't around anymore. And those who are around, already don't deserve me dumping my toxic waste on them any more than I deserved to be mistreated, or lied to, or betrayed, or hurt. I constantly tell people to mind What they say, because words can have lasting effects. So I keep my words to myself when I'm hurt, when I'm mad, when I can't think beyond three words; because for overthinkers like me, words linger…words, echo… words rise up in the silenc...

little sleep last night. Woke up this AM to take J to the bus, came home, and felt myself breaking. My body craving your presence, needing your arms wrapped around me to go back to sleep. So I moved away from my computer, went to the living room and sat in my chair. In quick moments I was sleeping, again, an overwhelming desire to be resting in your presence appeased by the proximity to the chair you sat in most. When I woke again, a tear slid down my cheek but the nearly crippling need for your embrace having subsided. I can't wish hard enough for the fates to release me from prior bonds. He's not a bad guy…I keep reminding myself.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1160448688934928/?mibextid=9drbnH&s=yWDuG2&fs=e I crave some time for just you and i, to talk, like we used to, like we so on the phone when one of us is hurting. I need that time, when you demand me to tell you what I want, because I want you. I want to scream it at you, to whisper it to you, too touch you and make you feel it. I can't break this oath, he must somehow, but I want you. I want you, in every way that matters. I want your eyes, locked on me.i want your hand, reaching for mine. I want those moments when you're feeling overwhelmed, for you to seek me out as the island of calm. Those bruef moments at the museum, when you reached out and let me guide you away from that screaming child, felt Right to me, but then your hand slipped from mine as the girls came around. I want you telling me I can't be mad at you as you lean in to steal a kiss. I want to feel your hunger, as we complete a bond between us that we've been denyin...

Once again you're reminding me of my choice to honor old vows; like you wouldn't think less of me for bailing on such an oath, and question if I'd hold to the ones I made you..which i understand. I've asked myself the same question, over and over. My thoughts trace back to you. Your smile, your eyes, your laugh, your voice, your humour, your jokes, they stick with me. They're scorched to my soul, even as words from the Dragon ("..So what had happened was...") once marked my soul. Those marks are now faded, still present, but faint like scars ripped too deep. You have been scored into my soul, not just your words, or your eyes, but you in whole. When I almost lost you and I crumbled to the floor, when I heard you'd survived and I collapsed again; I knew I'd never write you out of my life. I knew that day as well drove away that trouble was on the horizon, and when it hit I almost loaded into the car and drove home in those moments. The only reason I...