Letters to my best friend...

No one has heard from him since Friday, that I can tell. To say I'm worried is an understatement. I know he's hurting, I can feel that much; but he's not responding to anyone. That worries me. My soul is bleeding, again, or still, I'm not sure which anymore. I just need to hear that he's okay, even if it's not from him directly. Please, Bast, let him be okay... My everything.. My Otsoa.. Even in thinking to myself as I go about my day, he is my husband - not my secondary; the only.

https://spotify.link/v2oMycY3HXb

I want him, want to taste him, feel him, be close to him. But I worry that if I break down and accept these physical demands, he will still want me after that, or will it destroy what we have? Will he still love me when he finds I'm not as experienced in body as I am in mind? Will he hold the break against me, and find reason to think me disloyal to everything I want to be for him? My polyamorous mind is ready for monogamy with him. I want to be only his, and he only mine. It's not my place to ask it, I'm all too aware (married as I am), but I can't deny that I want only him; only the wolf , and I want to be his hellkatt through and through. I want to be able to finally be free of the beast born of rage and pain, and enable him to do the same. I want to heal us both, together, for each other.

Hellkatt is hitting panic buttons in her corner of my mind.. she was watching me fall apart as I headed up the hill, and building flood gates as I topped little mountain.. as I descended into LLA she started hitting every button she could as I compartmentalized.. I WANT to be your safe space, now and ever; and you, mine. It rips me apart every time I'm forced to drive away, and it is by force - not by will. I drove home no faster than 65mph until I was told everyone was out running errands and no one could pick J up from the bus stop. I flew the last 45 minutes to the bus stop for her... for you.. for me.... and all the while, HellKat was hitting every button she could find, putting up red flags, etc. You ask me to be your safe space, and its all I want. To not let you feel like I'm leaving you behind. To show you that while I'm not around physically, I'm not that far away mentally. Every day that you're not by my side, I slowly bleed from the soul. Every day is on...

How do you take the measure of a man...? Ive spent the last few days listening to O rant and rave, and hearing him shift. Im okay with it, its a shift for the better. But in watching him shift, im feeling a shift of my own. A resignation, and a numbing. Our timing wasnt right, I get it, but I had hoped. Now here I am. Aware of how I feel, aware of how I should be feeling, alive and cared for again - and yet, bleeding from the soul. I love/loved him - but im beginning to question just how he loves me. Hes at this other house, calling another woman "wifey" and "babe"; and im not jealous, im resigned. I know he told me he didnt mind me being possessive as long as I could handle him calling others love and such -- but im beginning to think i cant tolerate it and its not my place to demand or request otherwise. But if he's not to be mine, and all im gonna do is bleed to soul-death loving but not having him - whats the the point of sticking around? He wants me to talk...

Cried myself to sleep last night. The day went pretty pleasantly by, nothing remarkable happen. I took J to see her mother as required by the courts, got balled out by O for not taking her to see him the day before. He was right, of course, but he was livid. I normally do what I can for him to see her on Saturdays, except when I have Federation plans; and while id had plans which I'd then cancelled Saturday, i hadn't taken her down to see him. He was right to be upset by it; but frustrations around other things led to him balling me out -- he apologized of course, but when it happened, and when we saw him today. I hadn't thought it had upset me that much, but when I went to bed last night, I crawled between the covers, and burst into tears, quietly wailing my heart out in grief - but not because he was mad (which would have made at least a little sense) but because he wasnt crawling into bed with me to wrap his arms around me and ease my grieving loneliness. I saw him today...

..another doctor appt that I've missed. His doctor gave him a 50lb (critical!) limit or he could rupture a disc. He's frustrated now as he doesnt want a desk job, but manual labor seems out of question. He decided to skip the next apt (scheduled today) and rather than talk to me further he hung up. So now my mind is spinning.. Encourage him, reassure him, comfort him, strategis with him... E heard the same prognosis years ago, and after a few years of careful adherence, dumped the concerns off at the curb and just worked. O is made of tougher stuff than E... Racing mind: Is he annoyed that I wasnt there, again? We talked, and he confirmed that K was there but she was at the car cause he didnt need her mind games "im his wife" bs - gave me a small tickle of pride that hes putting that boundary up, but that means I need to find a way to step up... I dont care if he has a work limitation, I dont need the big ass ranch, a small would be fine - i just need him. It's be...

Two days ago (so, Thursday morning) I fought off my alcoholic brain. I woke up that morning, walked into the kitchen, and though a rum and coke sounded like a better wake up drink than coffee. Caught myself as I turned to head to where the drinks are stored, reminded myself that numbing my thoughts wasnt the answer and brewed coffee instead.  Yesterday, I argued with that alcoholic brain all day, I didnt want to think about the simple fact that I hurt the Wolf, again. Didnt want to remember the pain I saw burning in his gaze as he begged me to stay. Today, it is easier, but not. Today my need to be at his side is blinding me to just about everything else. He had a laps im judgement, drank, and fell getting out of someone's car. He was so out of it that he was rushed to the er (allowed to leave after several tests and a shock to his heart). But hes home now with a minor concussion and a goose egg on his noggin. And its been all of me not to hop in my car and go to him. I wont cross ...

https://open.spotify.com/track/2qhBwsAvH2L2VQfn30oZnc?si=rComnIYkToeTUfJJ-UgfhQ So I paid a visit to my sister Kathy yesterday, Kathy and O. It was a good visit, until it was time for me to leave. O broke down and begged me not to leave and I was tempted to stay. A massive part of me wanted to hop in my car and drive away, with him, and never be heard from again. I managed, somehow, to stay strong and refuse both desires. But I could see my refusal was tearing him apart. I cried most of the way home, again. I hid my pain when I got to the ranch, went to bed at midnight. Slept the night through, woke before the alarm, and still felt weighed down by my grief. I don't want to talk to anyone, well, except maybe O. I'll have to, but I think I'll be quiet most of the day. I hurt him, I didn't want to, it ripped my heart out to do it! I need this to end, I need to stop hurting.. maybe if I take Ryan's lessons to heart and just shut it all down. No pain, no grief, no love, ...