I just need to say...

tonight, of all nights, I wish you were closer. The veil is at its thinnest tonight and I wish I could honor those I've lost with those I've gained, and somehow lost. I know you never wanted to stay here, that you were fine alone, but that you now are not tells me you never were. I just wish it hadn't taken burning bridges for you to realize this. I swear to you, if I'd had an inkling of how close we'd grow and how much it would hurt and sour the long winter day I would have chosen differently. I regret the grief you feel in being so distantly alone, but at least now you're realizing that you weren't as alone on the Ranch as the alcohol let you feel. Thank you, for asking today, instead of just going out to buy. I know the strength it took to listen and say those words; and I considered saying no, but I know what stress you're under and what strength it took to resist until you had someone's permission. I love you, deeply, and our short talks rip me ...

so he left for work this morning, dropping a bomb on me that made my heart stutter… “I was thinking of suicide yesterday, and crying in my car…” and he walked out the door. This after sleeping yet again in the recliner. All this because I didn't tell him I was out of the house for a greater portion of the day, and he says it has nothing to do with who was at the other end of that visit. So I wandered the house a bit, looking at things. What can I leave, what would I pack… I could leave most of this behind. I'd have to, I can't afford it by myself, I've not ignored this. I didn't hide my trip from him, not with the reasons he believes. I ‘hid’ it because i knew I'd be back before he got off work. I ‘hid’ it because i know how much his jealousy affects him, even though he claims it doesn't exist. He sent away the person I told him had become my best friend because he became my best friend, because he knows that no one has taken that title since I was teenager ...

as we approach my new year i have only one thought that I keep whispering into the void… Otsoa, Wolf.. I love you, and I'm terrified of losing you. Your calls brighten my morning, afternoon, and night. Your hugs warm my soul. I don't want to lose you, and I'm scared to love this deeply because I know loss is inevitable. You're enthusiasm for a life you say you don't want is infectious and refreshing. Your loyalty and compassion, a balm to human contact. I know life is hard and harder for you than it ever should have been; but you have become a primary reason for me to keep pushing forward. I'm terrified to lose you, my deepest love, even though i know one day it will happen (but you promised me 50 years, and you better do everything you can to keep that promise!)

happy birthday to me. Not really. I woke late, no alarm was set, 9hrs of sleep. I wish when I'd woke that somehow all this crap that's happened had gone away. Why couldn't J give me the one gift I really want. A pardon to my Wolf. Nothing else could make me truly happy. I like the presents I've gotten, indeed, but none of them are what I want! Everyone now seems to have soured to you, and it's tearing me up that I can't help them see what I see. My head has been bothering me all day with a low-grade headache, but when you call it fades away. Your presence, your voice, is a Callander just in case you haven't connected it. In Messenger, I call you Otsoa, or Ene Otsoa, in place of say love, or my love. I will reiterate, you are my final destination. Today you sent me a song, “scared to love”  https://open.spotify.com/track/2zG8j3CR6XPeZiuJdubAPL?si=XnW-Qp8XRDCFVqKYLTB4Ig And I have questions. It's never safe to assume. You thought I'd give up?? You didn...

damn it was good to see you yesterday. You looked so much better than Friday when I was forced to walk away (a time I wasn't proud of, any more than walking away yesterday). Today, I'm sitting at the bobbins school, reading a book, and wishing you were sitting beside me. I'm going over some of the discussions yesterday, and feeling like i put you on a spot, and I'm sorry - it wasn't intended. A part of me wants both of you in my life, and isn't willing to bend (the selfish part), and the other wants you , but is willing to see you with someone else so long as your happy. I want to feel you against me, but I want to keep you at arms length. I want YOU, but I'm scared of that want and what it means at the same time. I miss your shadow-smile, and the rare full smiles. I miss your voice, your jokes, your gloom, even just your breathing. I miss that big dire-wolf stalking behind me, watchful, protective, and jealous of every passing glance. There's this hollo...

So yesterday I was a mess, today I'm nearly a stone. I felt joy when you called, every time, but annoyance or neutrality for everything else. You sounded better this morning, and waves of relief flooded me; and then you found more to drink and I wanted to roll up a newspaper and smack you with it. I know im your Jiminy, but surely you know when getting another drink is a bad idea!! You talk to me about being scared to die (or at least, resigned to) and you go out and buy more and more of the very thing that will kill you!! Gods damn it, man, enough already! Stay with me! I've told you, for every Year you stick around I'll make equal effort. So start making an effort!!! You tell me you realize now what you've lost (this family, that welcomed you in, in spite of your flaws) yet you continue to do the very thing destroying that family. So stop, my love, take a breath, and recenter yourself. Get your head on straight, and be the man I see when I look at you. I cherish you,...

well fuck, yesterday didn't go well, did it. I hit 100mph flying back to pick you up, had to force my foot off the gas to slow down, cause getting the car smashed wouldn't help you. But that was yesterday. Today you're in Victorville waiting for your grandma to wake up so she can take you in. Miles away. And already I'm practicing the ‘step back’ exercises I was taught by someone else, to step away from emotions I don't or can't deal with. Fuck you for leaving so easily! You knew how I felt, and all I got was a glorious hug that I wish didn't end, so yea, fuck you.. you better keep your word to me. I don't want these to be my last thoughts cause they're too full of grief and pain. Get better, Ene Otsoa.. I need you. I can't lose you. I realized one simple fact while talking to a distant friend.. if I lose you, I'll lose myself. It'll be that last break, the last straw that shatters the last of me. So fuck you, don't fuck up, and come ...

what i write here, may have started light hearted and uplifting, and laxadazy. But since it has become my outlet, my way to sort my mind and evaluate my heart. You tell me I'm your soul, and i can only lately reply in kind. My heart, my soul, my soul's mate, my anchor. My anchor more so than SW ever was; a beacon in a storm at sea. I hope to hell I walk in today, dropping you off for detox, is as helpful for you as is needed; i can't lose you.

you woolheaded lummox.. I know how terrified you are about starting detox tomorrow, and then intake after. But you'll come out the other end a better man to be around your daughter, a better man to be around friends, and Family that has adopted you. Stop fucking up when you know the decision is wrong. You've made me proud by ignoring calls from your ex the last 24 hours, you have. I'm more than a little angry that it took so bluidy long to get through that thick skull of yours. yes, I know that you loved her, gave her 13 years, but she threw all of that away when she betrayed you, not once, Or twice but over and over. She threw it away when she struck you, over and over and you covered it up, to protect her. I know this is going to hurt, but she doesn't deserve you, and I think even without the council some small part of you knows this. But, Ene Otsoa, while it's tearing me up to think about what's in store for you, I'm also hopeful that you'll take this...

I can't even begin to understand how things went so sour so fast. Today you're the one talking me off the ledge. Talking me back from making decisions based on rage. Convincing me not to do the things I shouldn't. So I throw my side blade to the back of the car. Now you're talking of leaving, more solid than ever before, and I know I can't keep you here; but if you have to go, I want to, too. I'm here because you asked me to try to work things out with him, so I stayed. I don't know what I want to do now. Promise made, and kept. 50 years, my Wolf - E accuses you of using me, the only reason you convinced me to return to the house today, was to use me further. He says “he's not your friend, you're his victim” and expects me to accept it. So I told him you convinced me turn back. You've been the reason I'm still here - and now you're leaving… but you still lock me in place, to keep my promise to you to keep and protect Jade. Lady Bast is re...

you keep talking about how eager you are for your inpatient to start, and admittedly I have flashes of pride for that day as well, but peppered with sorrow. Yesterday you finally asked to be ‘let in’ and I think you found why I was able to hear your pain when you spoke of your dark place. You started to see you weren't as alone there as you thought. Today, I feel you watching me just a bit closer, as you realized some of my motives for protecting those I love. I ask them to stay because I know their darknessi ask them to stay, because it gives me a reason to stay. I can't answer my dark calling when others around me aren't answering theirs. It's the life-lock I need to keep pushing forward. You've promised me 50 years, after which we'll see how things are going. You in turn have asked for that same 50 in return; I grumbled then, but it is only fair. What years you hold true, I will likewise. It's a promise I never gave another, I only ever asked people to st...

today has been a rough one, Ene Otsoa. I retrieved the truck, the now irksome truck full of woah.  And came home to nightmares realized. The girls for some reason told E they don't feel comfortable around you, and he's banished you from the house, making his days at work that much more crucial to my sanity. I'm not looking forward to the day you admit yourself to inpatient rehab. The weeks to months to follow will rip me apart by the hour. Necessary, likely, for your health and your goals, but all the same; and for those reasons, for YOUR happiness, I will support it, and you. Yes, I'm selfish, I want you to myself, but I NEED you to be able to reach your goals too. And I can recognize the difference and importance of my wants versus your needs; in this at least. I dream for the day that old bonds are severed and new bonds may be strengthened. I've thought about your question, about whatif is, and I hit on an answer that I hate, as it does nothing to soothe my desir...

all of the above being true, last night you shredded apart all of what was left in and of me to give to people outside my family. I understand your slipping, and self-destructing because you're scared. You've never felt real love, never had real friends, never been a person to be able to rely on outside help - and you feel it's better to destroy that which you fear before it can destroy you. But you seem to be giving me less credit these days than I am due. We are all human and make mistakes, you are no exception. You beg me to return your soul, yet you ever only want to forsake it. One day, I will give it back (of that I promise) but I don't see now as the time. You've gifted me the lion's share of that soul after my ama sacrificed all of herself to claim just a portion back from the pit you traded it to.

WHATIF somehow the two of you made peace, and somehow came to an even ground. He had my nights, you my days - and for a time there was peace. Then there were those short bursts of ellipses when one crosses over the other. How would that look, I wonder?