I just need to say...

Holy.. woke up this morning hungry as hell... growled to myself, went back to sleep, woke again still hungry... This hunger is making me a little uneasy, cause all I want is to OWN you, to make you realize that no other can. This hunger is blinding me, filling me, consuming me; I want to mark you mine. But you're not mine, and I shouldn't mark you so. But waking these last few days, those are the thoughts grounding through my body. Waking in the morning, my thoughts aren't on him right away, until I realize he's there; they're on you, and wondering why you're not beside me, or near me. You told R about those few mornings when you'd wake in the house and I'd be watching over you, because I didn't dare go to you. In those early days while I was still sorting out what I was feeling, trying to convince myself that I wasn't falling head over tail, that you were this horrible man you presented yourself to be. Those early mornings, when all I saw was th...

  https://www.facebook.com/reel/1784430848754579?mibextid=9drbnH&s=yWDuG2&fs=e so yesterday we talked in the morning, than not again all day. It felt a little weird, like both of us were in shock over the discussion. I kept reaching for the phone, wanting to call, or see if there were messages, but never called and no messages came. Then I woke this morning, to find you'd tried to call before I stirred from slumber and now I'm filled with trepidation. A part of me wants to allow you to have your ring back, that I may have mine, so that I can show, again, to the world the words I can't speak easily; but i also don't want to because your ring has been a life preserver in the lonely hours of the day and night. I weary of waiting for the gods to grant me the release from old vows, so that I might chase to the new. He may have done you wrong, Ene Otsoa, but he is a good man.

Why, if I was such a gods-send for the man, do I feel like I'm being vilified? I pulled him up from the depth of darkness and despair, and with one panicked action, without thought, destroyed him in equal measure. I just got off the phone with the court reporter, after giving my interview (thank you gods for letting me do that, btw), and expressing my worries about Alexis gaining custody of my wolf cub. And have been assured that, at least at this time, there is no evidence that the courts are considering this avenue. They are still attempting to reunite the cub with her sire. My husband sees the worry on my face, but can’t identify it. Doesn’t understand that I’m worried about the cub and her safety, and I’m worried about the father and his safety. I adore the father, pine for the father when he’s too far away, am addicted to the father, love and am in love with the father. And I only want to see him happy - his happiness would be mine, if it can be gained. I asked you to go again...

so i knew today you said you were going, I thought maybe you'd squirrel it away like most things. Then she called to talk to the cub, and your voice came over the phone. I immediately slammed down on the sting that rose like bile in the back of the throat. I can't be jealous of her, I won't let myself. She's a part of your past, present, and future; she has every right to be somewhere in your life. But the selfish part of me wants her to kick rocks as much as you want mine to kick rocks. I miss you, not but days past and it feels like weeks. Then I heard she might be going with Sunday, and the bile rose again. Forced to the hide, again, the emotions I struggle to keep suppressed the rest of the week, those which i can only openly show around those who barely know me, and support what we share anyway. I am open to understanding, but this pang of jealousy is dangerous in me, unpredictable, erratic, and a completely new aspect of my personality that I'm not sure i can ...

gods, that voice drop.. I'm already bound to you Ene Wolf, but that voice drops. Once upon a time I wasn't talking to max about the deep baritone voices of Geoff (from Penatonix) always hit me differently. And your voice, when it drops, is also hitting differently.. that deep almost gravelly growl, omg, you'd have me completely undone… That growl touches parts of my soul that even HellKatt won't ignore. It appears I'm still waiting for that explosion of anger for everything that's happened. I guess the first dose wasn't enough to assuage my guilt. I still feel responsible, AM responsible for my part of the misdeeds that led us here. I'm not trying to take your guilt, just my own, just what's rightfully mine. I want to explain myself, I want you to understand. But all that aside, it's about time and you know what I mean! More than the stolen pecks; less than i want, but just as much as i was hoping it would be. You've no right to tell me i can...

i found it flattering that you spent time yesterday explaining to me and assuring me that you and R weren't a ‘thing’ not once, but several times. I know you're doing that because you've been reading these, and you know my own insecurities. I had fun yesterday, and I'd have to agree, distance does make the heart grow fonder. I used to think otherwise; that distance allowed the heat of emotion to cool over time. But yesterday when you called a private conference, my heart stopped as that door latched closed and the room went dark. I'll admit, a part of me wished a kiss had been stolen in those moments of darkness, but then the light clicked on, and you were further away than when you'd closed the door. I had to swallow my heart then, because if I hadn't well, whose to say what I might have said when I opened my mouth to talk, even in that instant. And then you asked for head pats, without asking for head pats; chaperones. The distance certainly is not letting...

I'm selfish,  but I understand I can't be. https://www.facebook.com/reel/1063898892016003?mibextid=9drbnH&s=yWDuG2&fs=e

I find I am moderately jealous of R, largely because she can openly do what I wish to. K on the hand, when that green monster rose, it had other reasons. That witch tried to claim a thing that I saw as mine, and worse, tried to make that thing something it was not. My Wolf is no one's property! And only ‘my Wolf’ in the sense that I get to love him, for he is his own person and free to do what he will, you dumb narcissistic cunt. So back the fuck off and stop whining to me about how you can't stop thinking of someone you didn't fully appreciate anyway! Step off! Or Bast will be petitioned to end your toxicity so that your child may thrive!

today marks the anniversary passing of my father, never an easy day for most children who were close with their parents. You helped me through the day, silently joking and teasing the hours away while I sat in a boring seminar.

A hard day for both of us, for differing reasons. Veteran's day. Last night I spent an hour texting with you, well after I'd ‘gone to bed’ because you needed to talk. And I'd do it again, time and again. It does not give me stress to be your sounding board, my love, because at least when I hear from you, I know you're still trying. I'm trying with Josh, too, as much as I can. I have nothing ⁴heavy against him to break those vows, so I continue to try. He's making an effort, or he did for a conversation and hasn't since. But he's told me he sees J as one of his own, feels as protective of her as his own blood; so I worry less about him throwing all my efforts under the bus. Thank you for having J and I up today. She needed it, I needed it, you needed it. I spent of the time trying not to pin you to a wall, any wall, and rake My nails down your chest, or back; resisting the urge to smother you when the door was closed and it was just us, and so obviously n...

so you didn't come for the granted visit yesterday, which I managed to hide most of my disappointment but it burned in my heart. K filling my head with concerns about this R person that's entered your life, and I'm reminding myself that as long as your happy while you can't have me i have to accept your choices, because i can't and won't ask you to wait for me, pinning away the days, weeks, or years. I love the idea, but it is not fair to ask it of you, so I don't. All I want is to know with a reasonable amount of assurance is that when I'm ready, you will be, too. Even if it means I may have to wait around bit. I was not kidding when I told you that you are my final destination. What i feel for you, fills every last crevice of my heart, every empty void, every nook. I have my kids, your kids (yea, I haven't met them, but on some level love the two I haven't met because they're part of you), I've had my one-off marriage, and those who sli...

There is something unfair in my world. I get word that you get to return to the ranch for a clean visit and a thrill courses through my veins. Riding home late at night, and suddenly I’m craving your touch and you. But E will be home tomorrow, so I don’t expect to be able to get time alone with you, so we’ll see how that goes.

since i know you haven't been able to read these lately, I can make this entry. WHY THE FUCK IS K ASKING ME TO OFFICIATE A WEDDING BETWEEN YOU TWO?!?! I don't even know how I feel about that question. She says it's for legal purposes, but also because you've expressed a desire to marry her. Where the fuck were those talks between us?!? You, who told me you'd never marry again?!? WTF!!!??!!! But I cant be angry, because I'm married. Even though I've made it clear that you're my final stop. I can't be jealous, but its eating me alive. Both you and Alexis are fighting to recover your daughter, which I love seeing. But if either of you succeed, than I don't even have that to hold on to. If I have J then I have a tie to my Wolf, but I know that's unfair. Just yesterday you were telling me how you found this house, and it had everything I've been talking about wanting in a home, and that's why you loved it - but then I hear today that you...

another day, another lonely tear when there's no one to witness. I've grown wolf-sick at this point. I'm trying to push through, to keep going, as i promised, but it hurts in the moments of silence. Now I have more reasons to avoid my alone time, because it allows me to think of you, even as I used to think of the Dragon in those moments to myself, now I think of you and regret where we are. E is trying to patch fences, to make things right between us, and I've not been resisting; but he's not who I want to talk to at the end of the day. His is not the voice that caresses the turmoil away with a light joke.

Ene Otsoa, last night you tangled with the police again. Today, you're worried that I'm upset. I'm not, I'm scared. I fell for you, completely, and I'll take every ounce of what's presented to me. I'll work past the parts I wish didn't exist, because I see the greater man hidden behind the alcoholic that doesn't want to deal with being the responsible adult. I love all of you, the good and the bad, the healthy and the broken bits. I know you're not perfect, and I could care less about the imperfections. Fuck some of those imperfections are what helps me love you. Hair twirling, as an example, the octaves your voice drops when you assure me that you love me. The deep rumble that enters your voice when your trying to convince me that you're sorry for some action. The high pitch laugh when you're trying not to fall apart when things go astray. The maniac laugh when you're fighting to keep control of your emotions. The sweep of your hair ...

its a new year for me, my love. Gaia has gone to rest, The days will shorten and the nights lengthen. And with those long nights my yearning will grow, I can feel it already. Today, I dropped J off at school, my bobbins still home asleep, E off to work, so time to myself; and the words whispering through the silence is that this isn't fair! The fates stole my Wolf from me! A tear rolls unchecked, and then another, as the silence lingers. I wish that silence was lined with your deep breathing, but even that is now denied me. Last night would have seen a perfect cap if you'd found a way to rush to us and send the night away with a warm embrace, but that only happened in my dreams. It's no wonder I've been rushing to sleep these last few days, there, at least I can see you without fears. I wake in the morning, clutching at, and sometimes wearing your ring, close to my heart. My eyelids lift with the traces of hope that you'll be there in waking, to find the room filled...