I just need to say...

How do i sum up a day where i spiraled into a rabbit hole, but fought tooth and nail to keep from sliding into that same hole. Latching on to the love of those around me to help anchor me as I slid further and further into the nothing. I need him to fight for his daughter. I want him to fight for me. I know the difference in desires, I'm not blind. But once the day started really rolling the hole vanished. I could still feel myself sliding into it, but the requirement to Mask kept it from swallowing me. I slid a little at a time, each break in driving, every time I had a moment when I wasn't going full throttle. So I went from PTC to bus stops, from bus stops to the ranch, from the ranch to the lodge, and worked at keeping my mind busy there. And when things started to slow, I called O. He kept my mind moving enough to keep me from sliding further (without my saying I needed help), and I'm grateful. But now, at 2322, I've showered, chatted with T, and now I sit in the l...

Please, Otsoa, don't let this mistake I called you out on be final. FIGHT for your child!!! Don't let this ruin you!! I know it was your mistake, but it was mine, too. Don't let me be the root of your undoing, I will never be able to forgive myself... it will eat me up inside, heck, it already does... I love you, and your child, and I can't lose either of you!! Please, fight for her!!! FIGHT for her!! Fight FOR her!! Fight for HER!!!

You fucking twatwaffle!! If you had said you weren't going to make it out here earlier I could have gone to see my Bonded - but no, you fucking egocentric felonfucker you waited until 1400 to say anything to the family kind enough to take of the kid you  to abandoned to do some stupid shit for whatever sleazy dick you thought you'd get out of it. You hurt my Bonded, abused him, physically and emotionally, and think your tainted yeasty pussy can get him back. He wasn't my Bonded when you hurt him, not until the end but he is now, and all I want to do is rip your scabby bleached ratsnest hair off your scalp and burn every fragment of anything attached to your toxic skin. My Bonded is hurting, and lonely. And your narcissistic slug-brain prevented me from going to him, to help ease some of that pain with any sort of distraction. You are a conniving, manipulative, mange-ridden skank!!!! Even knowing what this will do to my karma - I hope you get every ounce of the evil you put ...

You haven't been my 'best friend' since the day we exchanged vows in front of my best friends. You never accepted that you would never consume my heart and soul from the word go. You always fought it. You knew I was poly before there was a word for it - I told you so. You told me 'as long as you held the majority' you could accept that there were others who had already claimed parts of my heart. I tried to accept that, but in the first year I learned it might not be enough. In the third year, I knew it wouldn't be. In anger you made me cut ties with anyone associated with those who risked your 'happily ever after'; and i let you with only token resistance.  Decades later, I've found someone who can consume my every heart beat, my every soul flutter and you once again think to restrict me. It's not gonna happen. By my love for those who have past, I'm done accepting your dominion over me and those I call friends. Keep pushing me away from them...

Retrospective: Time after time he asks me what I want of him.  Answer: I want stability. I don't care about the money, all the stuff is nice; but I want a bit of stability. And I'm not talking emotionally, I'm talking about financially. It doesn't have to be on a level I've grown used to with E, it just HAS to BE. And sobriety couldn't hurt either,  I'm not meaning dry, I'm meaning a light social drink. Nothing to bring forward the rabid Wolf he harbors, but a drink to ease the pain in his back, or whatever, is not evil. I want to be able to be there to ease his nightmares at night, to reduce his stress in the daylight; to show him what 'love' feels like, like he should have had this whole time. But how do I tell him? I really want to go to him; but I'm not sure he's ready; not the way I need him to be.

How can you be so blind as to not see why I give O so many chances? For all the times I forgave you for shit I didn't deserve, you question me when I give him the same forgiveness? Yes he put my kids at risk, I don't let him drive with them in the car anymore. Yes, he hurt Jade -- but you've hurt your own kids but refusing to accept them for who they are. You're daily denial breaks them down, bit by bit. Yes, you're supposed to show them the right path, but sometimes our 'right path' isn't theirs.

Is it bad that while a part of me is happy he's talking to me again, a bigger part of me wishes that whatever set him off had been the final straw... I am soul-deep in live with O, and I want to share his every day - and not from afar. This 'friendship' pretense we're walking around in is killing me. I want to curl up in his arms at night, not a memory of a missed memory. I want to be his weighted blanket, helping him sleep at night, even as he helps me. I want his light caress on my body as he snores softly in restful slumber. I want to wake in the morning, to his gruff voice asking me why I'm staring, again! I want to feel his weight at my back, and arm wrapped over my ribs, his breath on my neck. I want to have the morning breakfast we frequently did, discussing the plans for the day, the hopes, the worries, the living!! I want the life I got a glimpse of while he was here, because everything less is, well, less. I like the stability that E provides, don't ge...

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Today's plans: * Jade bus * kody and self- dr appointment * Jade bus I slept in the recliner again. Really wish I had some of his cologne to spray on it, but here we are. Only the memory of his scent comforts me. But it's something. But E spoke to me this morning. Maybe only to alleviate any worry I might have of him leaving, since it was to tell me he was going to work (which was added last night). But at least it was words. Id still rather have O around, as i want to share my life with him. I want him to share his life with me...

Fuck you. I realize you have a pride on your shoulders, but i thought with some 10+ years of blind loyalty you'd not hold my past against me yet here you are making assumptions about what I'm doing 'behind people's backs'. Fuck you! You don't fucking realize how much my oath holds me, you ass! Yes I'm very much in love with Chris, but I gave you my hand and every day I dismiss the urge to do more than talk to him. Yes, I crave talking to him, he's my best friend. He listenes when i need to talk, and if he judges, he doesnt make me feel like shit for it. He's your friend too, you jerk, in that he keeps arguing for you! Even though he wants me - he won't accept me while I'm holding true to my vows. And don't even get me started on our last argument when you told me you wish I'd just fucked him - cause those words BURN in my blood. You spit those words at me, and when I'm mad I almost grant your wish. That night you're so pissed ...

Visual flashes... I wear this band, but I'm getting so damn tempted to leave it on the bathroom counter and walk away. The imagery is growing stronger by the hour. The desire to just walk away from all of it. Maybe not to go to him, but just to be done.

I wish other people understood what I saw in him... I spent anhour on the phone with D listening to her berate him, and tell me he's a POS that doesn't deserve my affections; that he's only using me. And every word only succeeded in making my soul bleed. She's arguing for the marriage, convinced that's the route to go, but she doesn't know what I feel whenever I talk to him, hear his voice, see his eyes, feel a graze of his hand across even the most innocent of parts, my arm, my hand. I've spent the last 24 hours being shunned by just about everyone, ignored. And while I'm a little hurt, I'd almost rather just leave and go away. Maybe not go to him, but leave - walk away from all of it. Yea, I'm back to considering leaving everything behind.

So, perhaps I screwed up yesterday. I agreed to give D a ride home. That wasn't the mistake, not was my waiting around to hear from a friend who was in town from out state for Easter weekend. But just maybe the fact that I didn't get home until almost 1am after hanging out at D's place most of the day. Yea, O lives there; and yes, I spent the day chatting with both of them into the wee hours - but that was it! I appeased my needs to be near O, by hanging out with him and D. I refused to take the gremlins, because I knew K wasn't up to it, M really wanted to spend more time in her computer, and J doesn't care for long car rides. So I went alone. I stayed way later than I should have. By the time I confirmed I wasn't going to get to connect with the friend, the sun was setting (sun in my eyes, on the road, not good) so I stayed later, and lost track of time. O pointed out, several times, that I should head home - but I wasn't ready. I got home, to ice sleeping...

I want to go visit O. I don't know if that's going to happen, but I miss him. I don't want to sit here at home, alone (the gremlins are here, but they're not O), and I'm afraid that's exactly what I'll wind up doing today.

So last night was...interesting... Yesterday was a mixed bag, the PTConference was Thursday at 1pm. I arrived at 1pm.. to find I had the date WAY wrong. So I went to Tractor Supply instead, to get dog food. To have my card declined. So I went to my Dr. Appt that was scheduled for 2pm. Sat in their office for at least 1.5 hours before we were even called back to be seen. Only surprising thing with the dr visit was a NORMAL blood pressure reading (something that hasn't happened since I was at least 20!) After leaving the doctors (4:15pm) i went to the bank, cleared up the card, went to back to Tractor Supply and got the dog food then went home. E got hot and bothered over my dress (one he bought me) and sought relations. That was when I discovered much to my surprise that HellKatt has been lingering beneath the surface, and she knows how to turn off arousal. O called to her a couple weeks ago while we snuggled, in a bid to get her to rise, and she started. She raked his back a few ti...

I want to stand before you, reach up to your chin, and put that beard, pulling you into an earth-pausing kiss that leaves us both breathless and absolutely convinced, if only in that moment, that neither of us are walking away from this. For the first time i could look at cloudy skies, and not compare them to the gray that were in the dragon's eyes. I have you to thank for that. I am yours, as you are mine - one day we'll prove it to each other irrevocably.

There is only two people in this world that could stand between us. A and E. Too many vowels. Anyway... I want to one day stand between you and her, to make her poignant aware that she's lost her chance, with that one action. To stand, with you at my back, and she facing us; and see the understanding burn through her. And i want one day for you to be able to do the same with him. No words necessary, just those simple actions, and have them both realize that what they sought to destroy has only grown under their vigilant growls and dismissals.

 1. J to bus 2. Shower 3. PTConferences for the bobbins 4. Dr. Appt for K and self 5. Pick up dog food 6. Home Anything else is extra

He is so bipolar!! When he's upset he wants me, craves me. When he calms down, he no longer verbalizes that he wants me. One minute he tells me to stop sending me gushy videos, and the next hes dribbling them to me. He sends me away, and begs me stay! He tells me to hell with my oaths, but stick to them because he can't be the reason they break...

So the day went about as I expected, though quite a bit windier. Transported J to and from the bus, sat around most of the rest of the day doing little else. I did help E with cleaning out his car so he could load his audio equipment into it and take it all to the Lodge for some event this weekend. Got to criticize him behind his back with T for a bit and blow off some steam. I also talked with J's social worker today. She asked me to write a couple of paragraphs about each parent's visitation (what we do, how they act, and what I perceive to be the amount of effort they put in). So I did that, and it got me to thinking about the whole messed-up situation. I'm worried that they're not going to see O's efforts like I do, and it's not gonna be enough for them. Of course, some of that could be because he and I talk constantly about what he's doing to right his wrong. His wrong, his drinking put J at risk. He tells me his drinking got worse because he couldn...

My plans today have not unfolded. I only plan to take J to school and pick her up after. Anything else that happens it's up to the Allfather and his minions.

I know you don't like the idea that someone cares enough for you to take your wellness into consideration. I get it, you've lied a shifty life so far! But I'm hoping one day to change that. I'm hoping I'll get that chance. You tell me you feel in love with me, and that was why you only got worse while you stayed here, because you couldn't have me the way you wanted. That it now treats you apart when we leave after visitations.  O, I've told you, here at least, that it shredded my soul each time i have to drive away. You weren't the only one to fall in love.  If what I've written here hadn't convinced you, if the cuddles haven't convinced you, I don't know what will. We'll, I do, but i can't break the vows I've made. It would cost me a look of grudging pridein your eyes if i break what I've sworn not to break.  I need him to do it.  Then I'm all yours.

Moderately productive today. Killed 55% of my phone battery early am while drinking my mushroom coffee (tastes good, but haven't noticed any of the 'promised' side effects). Then I turned on the water for my herb garden, spoke to and then went and checked on my goats. Every goat that should be there, was; fed everyone, watered everyone, fixed the horse gate keeping the mare out of the bulk of the hay. Came back up to the deck and turned off the water. Came inside and portioned out the hamburger meat for later use, and sat down. Can I be done with adulting for a bit? E made breakfast for us. Then talked to me a bit more about his experience with the Line Dancing last night. I'm glad he had fun, still don't think it's for me. Today he has a meeting at the Lodge to go to, and tomorrow is the ritual practice. He's been subtly, not so subtly hinting that the house needs cleaned, and he's not wrong. I just don't have the motivation to find homes for everyt...

This morning I find myself deep in introspection. A melody on repeat in my head, https://open.spotify.com/track/422KiARY66YzkPblpZ37ub?si=E6yYPuLtRcOub6KUlADtwg and my thoughts walking old roads. For perhaps the first time ever, my thoughts touched on and shied away from my fair Lucian, who used to fill my dark heart with comfort. His heavy lidded gaze used to comfort me, but this morning his gave is replaced with mahogany. When I think of comfort for my dark heart, Lucian doesn't spring to mind. He used to, his dark tendencies, his presence used to soothe the darker desires to bite, to claw; but now his lanky build has filled out in my head. The book i secret away in my shed with its dented heart, a symbol of what I left behind, of what I allowed myself to release from my life, because E said it must be so, to keep him. But after 20+ years I've still held a portion for my heart for that echo of a past, and I'm ready to let go - for O. I've given that piece to Otsoa. An...

Laying here, alone, in a big empty bed; Thinking of your arms holding me tight against your chest.  Remembering your breath on my cheek,  As I stroked my fingers through your hair. My mind half lost, cataloging every second for days like today; When my bed is empty and body longs for you.  Had someone told me when we met,  That my heart would fly to you,  I would have called them liar, But then I wouldn't have you.  I can be lost and found in your presence, swallowed whole in a simple greeting. A sideways glance while you are cooking,  A shoulder bump as you walk past,  A lingering glance you avoid as you turn to your own attentions. I'll steal them all for both off us to treasure, Cause I know that you care too. When your down and hurting and asking me what to do,  I want to ask you to wait for me, cause one day I'll be hiking home to you. But I know that it's not fair, so I hold my tongue with no answer, I love you too much to ask it, of th...

The ball was okay, definitely not something I'd be doing with O anytime soon, and I'm okay with that. It had a live band, that was lod, and there were a fair number of people in attendance. Not quite his cup of tea. Either way, I did manage to have a bit of fun, as long as I kept my mind busy and not dwelling on the bond sickness I've been stiffling. I've been fighting with it for a while now, the visits aren't enough to alleviate it completely, but they help. I want my Wolf!

 On my way to the ball... anxiety is climbing already...

Today I have a Firelace meeting to host, and a Ball to attend. The Firelace meeting is routine, meet with people i know, talk, plan, discard said plans, and go on my merry way. The Ball, on the other hand will be a new experience. Familiar people, and a familiar place, but new dress, and anxiety over being the temporary center of attention. I won't be long in the center, but any time, when undesired, eats away at me. My husband will be at my side, so I won't be alone; but he's not O. The full moon is tonight, rising into Libra. All of the omens say change is coming, and not small change either. In some ways I'm ready for it, in others I'm nervous. I wish I knew what the future holds for me. I wish I knew it included O, in the position I'd prefer; but only time will tell that fate. I know he's tired of waiting, already, it's his nature. I'm honestly a bit tired of waiting, too; but I can't break vows once made. They have to be severed by someone o...

So very tired.. missing O, not on the obsessive level it's been, but I miss him.. took an unexpected nap this afternoon, think I wrote that already, but the result is that I'm feeling much more tired than I feel I should.

Today is fair enough. Last night hubby and I failed to have intimate relations. We'll, I failed, he finished. Today I took an unexpected nap, after day dreaming of relations with O. It is what it is.

Today I have to get J off to school. I also have to go deal with the evil tax monster, alone! Not looking forward to that. But after I'm free to do what I want until Jade's bus returns her, or the hodenkobold returns from work, whichever comes first. I should get the laundry out of the dryer, as that hasn't been done yet. But it's clothes, it can keep, and keep, and keep... Yesterday, my new Modilite pendant arrived. My ilboa tells me it should help me find what is spiritually right for me. I discovered that my mind was two days ahead of schedule, thinking last night was the full moon, though it wasn't meant for 2 more days. That being said, it gives me a small reprieve to finish the new chain for O's necklace. Yesterday I was out and bought a few new herbs to replace those that died over winter. Looking forward to getting those into the potters and later harvesting them. Heard from O yesterday, briefly, he sounded more level headed than he has in a few days. I...

Today the whole family has Physicals planned. I hope to get the bobbins set up for autism screening. I need to finish the laundry (which mostly is just bringing it in from the drier, sorting it and putting the clothes away) And I need to shower today. I also need to sit down and focus on making the new chain for O's medallions so he resume wearing what he calls his collars. He's been without them for over a week now.

Today was okay. Started with taking J to the bus for school, then slowly progressed from there to the edge of chaos. I messaged the social worker for O the night before, and threatened to contact her supervisor if she didn't start answering messages. Which she did this morning. I sent the replies to O, who got grumpy with the answers, and called his attorney. I then rushed my middle to their Dr appointment, which they didn't wake up for, making us late. The appt had to be rescheduled, tried to pay the overdue balance which also didn't work cause the card was denied. Frustrated, we left the dr office, gas wasted. Stopped at Michael's on the way home, picked up the leather cording I needed to fix the necklace for O, along with a new pack of leather scrapes to work with in my down time. Got home just in time for the social worker to call me and advise me to have O respond to messages as she was trying to get him situated for classes he needed to take. So I called O to rela...

I was really glad that you wanted to talk to me today (well, yesterday). Something had happened between you and K, and you wanted to talk. The small thrill that cycled through was refreshing compared to the shell I'd felt all week. So I called, and you explained what you'd found out about K, and the conversation slid slowly to other things that had been happening around you this week. Slowly the conversation came around to my week, and I tried to explain my position. The anger seething under the surface. You told me you'd solve it by ghosting - something you once promised me you'd never do to me. You told me to focus on the kids, to patch things here; but it's seriously the last thing I want to think about. Things between me and my annoying brats will work itself out in time. But our bond will likely suffer for it. You lecture me to compartmentalize what I'm feeling, find that smile you fell for and plaster it on, but that smile now is reserved for you. What oth...

God's damn it.. I miss O so felling much. E works tomorrow, I'd so call him, or go visit, but the girls are bent cause I talk to O as much as I can, his voice soothes me!! Not having heard him, his voice, in a few days is driving me insane. I tried to find some time to call him today, but i failed. I miss him so felling much!!

I have no solid plans today. I have a couple things left in the rabbit shed to do at some point, but no decisive time in which to do it. Last night, however, I worked through an episode of bondsickness, crying myself to sleep. I haven't heard Os voice in two days, purposely not played any recordings of his voice. I miss him, intensely, everything i see and do i want to share with him. I want to hear his laugh, his opinions, his grumps and just hear him breath!

Well, today started slowly. It was too cold outside for me to be willing to go out and do the spring cleaning in the rabbit shed that I planned to do last night. Though, around 1pm I finally got up the motivation to see the task started. I and the two kids I had help me got all but 1 cage finished (to back to, tomorrow). I'm eager for Saturday, where I'll be buying 2 new Dutch; 1 for my middle, and 1 for myself. I'm moderately disappointed that I didn't go to Parhump like I'd planned, but with too much negativity around the whole trip I decided not to go. Just means I sit around the house doing next to nothing because I've got nothing else to do. I wish I could spend some time with O like I'd had planned for today, but it is what it is. I'll sit here, alone (because the girls are all in separate parts of the house doing their own thing) and my husband is at work until midnight.

   There's just no fighting it. Our day may be years from now, but when that time comes - I'm all in. Whether it's tomorrow, or 20 years from now.

So last night I had a talk with M, one that left me hurting and pissed, and more conflicted than ever. They've been feeling like i have been putting O first in everything. Shifting my plans so that O can join,  Changing my plans when O can't join. Getting mad at me when I talk to O on the phone, especially while I'm out running errands. They mind less when it's Visitation for J, but they still don't like it. They've been getting more and more upset as the days have moved on,  feeling like they are less and less important. Sighting one dr appointment that I moved around so that O could join, because K had previously asked for him to be there. They've grown uncomfortable around him. They don't want to be near him, certainly not alone with him, yet I still love him. For better or worse, I'm still there. K apparently have now taken to not talking to me because I keep asking them to give him chances that they don't want to give anymore. He keeps slipp...

So last night I had a talk with M, one that left me hurting and pissed, and more conflicted than ever. They've been feeling like i have been putting O first in everything. Shifting my plans so that O can join,  Changing my plans when O can't join. Getting mad at me when I talk to O on the phone, especially while I'm out running errands. They mind less when it's Visitation for J, but they still don't like it. They've been getting more and more upset as the days have moved on,  feeling like they are less and less important. Sighting one dr appointment that I moved around so that O could join, because K had previously asked for him to be there. They've grown uncomfortable around him. They don't want to be near him, certainly not alone with him, yet I still love him. For better or worse, I'm still there. K apparently have now taken to not talking to me because I keep asking them to give him chances that they don't want to give anymore. He keeps slipp...